“Yes,” she admits, though it sounds like it pains her. “I did. I’m sorry. I think…” She trails off, then makes a frustrated noise. “I was so jealous of you. There I was, after two years with a book on submission, signing with a small press. And you…well, you know what you had. It never even crossed my mind that you weren’t happy. How could you not have been?”

“It would seem a lot of people had that exact same question,” I say drily.

“Right. But you get so scared when you sign that first deal, you know? It all feels so tenuous, like it could fall apart at any minute. You get people telling you to behave, watch what you say and who you’re with—”

I let out a low growl and start walking again. Something about standing still and rehashing old shit feels unbearable. “I don’t really need to hear all over again about how my life was perfect and I had no reason to be upset, Mandy. I’ve spent years unlearning all of that.”

“I know,” she interrupts. “I know. That’s why I finally called you. You were never the problem. The industry is the problem. JMP was the problem. I…” She coughs. “I was the problem. And I get it if you never want to talk to me again. But please believe me when I say the only reason I called was to see if you’re okay.”

A beat of silence passes while I walk and think of what to say. When I come up to my building, I open the front door and get into the elevator. “I was, eventually. And now I’m not. But…the darkness doesn’t get to take over anymore, you know? I will be okay again.”

That’s all I can give her. As lonely as I’ve been and as much as I want my friends back, the hurt she caused is still very real. It’s going to take time for her to earn my trust again.

When the elevator doors open on my floor, I peer down the hallway. A figure is sitting across from my door, silhouetted by the afternoon light coming in from the window at the end of the corridor. He’s leaning his head against the wall and resting his arms against his legs, which are bent at the knee and folded up near his chest. The sunlight glints off his glasses, but as soon as he turns his head to see me, he folds his long limbs under him and jumps up to face me.

“Hey,” I say into the phone. “I have to go.”

“Okay.” Mandy sounds defeated but maybe also a little hopeful. “Can we…talk again sometime?”