Okay, here are the rules: It has to be all natural. I’m not leaving sperm samples. And remember: Don’t let my good looks fool you, writers are crazy. These kids are going to be getting some fucked-up genes. And you are no paragon of mental health either, dear heart. I’m not the one who has to live out the consequences; you are. Think about that. Christ, the whole idea of this reduces me to a piece of meat. It’s demeaning. You’re audacious, babe. You’re coming up in the world. You’re like…almost totally amoral. Congrats!

Rocky Balboa

to: CC14

re: Lisa

date sent: March 14, 1999

No, I said I could have fallen for Lisa at that time. Things change. I’m not—look, in light of what’s happened, I’m certainly not going to fall in love with her, okay? As to who gets fucked first, let’s just play it by ear. I’ve got to run. I’m doing a radio interview. San Francisco has so many good places to eat, but try and find a parking spot. It can’t be done. LOL.

Yrs,

Frederick J. Flintstone

to: CC14

re: The Big Day

date sent: March 15, 1999

I’m at a computer room over at Stanford killing time before the flight. Four—well, actually three—chicks came on to me in Palo Alto. You know the one about the Polish chick who tried to get ahead by fucking the scriptwriter? LOL. Pure power. Anyhow, I declined some true delectables so I could get back to my room and be well rested for tomorrow night. It made me sick to do it. And then, instead of sleeping—the couple in the next room got into a fight and kept me up all night. Well, I’ll do my very best to get the job done.

Love,

Iago

P.S. Give my regards to Lisa. ROFL.

to: CC14

re: Hey There, Big Boy, You Fucked Our Brains Out

date sent: March 17, 1999

No, dear heart, the both of you fucked my brains out. LOL. That was a fantastic experience. I think it’s Darwinian or something when you screw with the intent to have kids. Very affirming. And her tits were even better than advertised. Christ! I came six times. What a glorious night! Thank God we’re in Chicago for two days. I gotta catch up on my sleep. I’m all fucked out!

Your boy,

Slick

P.S. I’m sorry I had to leave the party so early. ROFL! Heh heh.

to: CC14

re: Beware the Ides

date sent: March 22, 1999

Shit! Back home with a deadline. That tour took it all out of me. Woe is Aceman. I feel vile and I hate everybody in the entire world including myself. Thank God the season is over.

Yrs,

Big Daddy

to: CC14

re: Bingo!

date sent: May 15, 1999