re: C Cups, Pink Nipples

date sent: March 7, 1999

God! C cups! Pink and well formed! I thought so! I thought so! Goddamn. Man! I’m in heaven! Crack out the Viagra. Heh heh. And well formed, too! Boy! Shit. Usually at thirty, they start to sag. Well, maybe she had a tit job. Didn’t she run with a cosmetic surgeon for a time? Jeez, this sounds too good to be true. I can’t wait. Just tell me this: If you two are such dedicated lesbians, why do you want to fuck me? You said she gives you multiple orgasms. I didn’t give you multiple orgasms. What’s the deal, comrade?

V. I. Lenin

to: CC14

re: Divorce Papers

date sent: March 8, 1999

Babe, you’re better off without the sorry-ass motherfucker; good riddance! Bob was nothing but “poor me.” Dump him. Put the house on the market and get on with it.

Your loving crisis counselor,

Maynard G. Krebs

to: CC14

re: Ovulation

date sent: March 9, 1999

I knew there had to be a catch. And I can’t believe Lisa, either. How did this plan get hatched? You suddenly want me to knock you both up so you can be single parents? Is Lisa stealing drugs from the meds cabinet? Anesthesiologists will do that—and she hangs with your guy Seth. He’s probably got a shitload of good stuff. Or have you both lost your minds? Flipped out completely? Goddamn! I think those long shifts in the ER are taking their toll on you. Burnout. Get a grip on yourself, woman.

Zamboni, King of the Kongo

to: CC14

re: Contracts

date sent: March 11, 1999

Look, I’m going to be in town one night. Even if by some miracle of chance you’re both ovulating, I’m not going to get you both pregnant. It’s statistically unlikely. I mean, you’re the doctors. Figure. And contract or no, I’m going to know that I’ve got kids—kids living with lesbian parents. This is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard of. I quit screwing physicians a long time ago as most of them are out of touch, fucking psychotic. What if one of you gets pissed and decides to sue for child support? I’ve been out there too many years to fall for this bullshit. The answer is no!

Sincerely,

Ace

to: CC14

re: Oh Baby, Please Please Me

date sent: March 13, 1999