Both on the same day? Well, you were both fucked on the same night; it only makes sense, doesn’t it? I mean, in a highly improbable way. Anyhow, congrats (I guess). If Lisa gives up her practice to take care of the kids—I mean what? Who is the catcher and who is the pitcher in this deal? I know shrinks don’t make that much relative to surgeons, but she has a bold personality. I figured she would be assertive in bed. I guess it’s none of my business.

Yrs,

Chas. Manson

P.S. Screwing Bob just after I left town was a masterstroke. Now you can nail him for child support. Baby, that’s cold. Way to go. You are truly dedicated in service to the Master, Lucifer. You may even be due for a promotion soon. I’m sensing real hellish evil in you, dear heart. It’s such an adorable quality. Cultivate it.

P.P.S. How can you be so sure he won’t ask for a DNA test?

to: CC14

re: So Horny I Could Die

date sent: May 22, 1999

You fucked another young buck! I didn’t think you were a dedicated dyke. I never bought that. Just remember, web repair. Use your head. If you are now screwing a hot-piece-of-ass intern on the floor, be very careful. It’s a small town and an even smaller hospital. Also, do not change your sex habits with Lisa. If she finds out, the whole shitting deal will go down the drain. A med student is not marriage material, babe. Also, tell me this: Do guys like dating pregnant women? The times they are a-changin’. Indeed! Befuddled. I must bring myself up to speed.

Alistair Cooke

to: CC14

re: Ultrasound Confirms It: Girls

date sent: August 5, 1999

Hey, if you guys are happy, I’m happy. I already told you, I don’t plan on being an active father. I doubt that I will ever even meet the kids. Don’t give me reports. I don’t want that kind of involvement. I don’t want guilt and I don’t want attachment. Seriously,

Josef Mengele

to: CC14

re: Caught!

date sent: September 4, 1999

Flagrante delicto, huh? At least Lisa was cool about it. Remember how vindictive and pissy Bob was? That this guy is an intern from Salt Lake City is all to the good. Christ, he’s not a fucking Mormon, is he? Anyhow, Lisa isn’t going to be threatened by a teenybopper. But isolate your victims and maintain web repair. And always remember this: You are the center of the universe and they are the satellites. If you hold that thought, there is no conquest that is beyond you. Coolio, no?

Ace

to: CC14

re: Retaliation

date sent: September 11, 1999