Jesus, not another one! Well, don’t let the resident know. You have to keep your victims isolated. Remember: You are the center of the universe and they are mere satellites. Isolate him. Magnetic Seth and the fresh resident must never meet. And yes, it is a wicked web, but you’re an energetic little spider. Go out there and repair that web on a daily basis. Keep the victims isolated and keep that net in good repair. Fun, isn’t it? I’m proud of you. Just watch out for space debris—comets, meteor dust, and the rusting hulks of Citroën Deux Chevaux.

So we’re shooting in Miami this week and it is hotter than a motherfucker. The Diet Pepsis in my bar cabinet are like only ten ounces at four bucks a crack! I can drink five at once. I dunno, I feel guilty drinking fifty dollars’ worth of soda before lunch. Apart from screwing starlets, what I like best about location shooting is the sound of that room service cart jingling down the hall, you know? The clatter of bone china and the aroma of fresh coffee. Here comes one now. Gotta go.

Xxxs

Richard # III

to: CC14

re: Bob Thinks I’m Fucking Lisa!

date sent: March 4, 1999

LOL—babe, it’s better that he thinks you’re a dyke, believe me. A whole lot easier on his ego. Personally, I think he just went to the lawyer to blow off steam. He is hurt and he wants to strike back. It’s the oldest story in the world. No matter what, he’s not going to divorce you. And so what if he does? I don’t know why you are so hot for that old house anyhow; it’s nothing but work, and you’re never there. Get yourself a little fuckpad and pay back your medical school loans. Power to the people, babe. I gotta go.

Eldridge

to: CC14

re: I Am Fucking Lisa!

date sent: March 5, 1999

You, a dyke? No way. Jesus, give me a break! Look, I know you’re stressed out. These things happen. It doesn’t mean you’re some hard-core lesbian. Trust me, I know you better than you know yourself. But just the same: My God! Is Lisa a good fuck?

Your partner in crime,

Ace

P.S. What are the kids at the Foxhead saying about the show?

to: CC14

re: Three-Way Sex: Are You Up to It, Sport?

date sent: March 6, 1999

Whoa! Are you shitting me? Yeah! I’m up for it. Boing! Way up! LOL. Señor Caligula is up for most anything. A three-way sounds absolutely great! Tell me, though, what are Lisa’s tits like? She hasn’t got tobacco-brown nipples, has she? That just makes it impossible for me. It ruins everything. She’s very fair-skinned, so I doubt this will be a problem. But please advise me at the first possible opportunity.

Ready and Rarin’,

Yrs,

Suckman

to: CC14