He was lying. But in the face of my cold disbelief and fury, he lost it altogether. At one point he hurled the vase of bluebells I’d picked from the front garden onto the floor, crushing the delicate flowers underfoot. Later, contrite again, he couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t just forgive him immediately. And there was something else, a tense knot of something in my stomach, something I couldn’t – or wouldn’t – unravel, that kept me from forgiving him. That kept him at arm’s length.

In bed he had wanted to have sex, but I didn’t want him anywhere near me. I was still so cross, and it was so rare to feel desired by him that it confused me. The truth was we had lost our real connection years ago.

As he began to snore I lay wide-eyed, staring into the darkness. I heard the church bell chime the hour, and chime the next. I felt crippled with longing; but overwhelmed with sadness. I couldn’t get Danny’s face out of my mind; I couldn’t get his betrayal out of my head. I had seen a glimpse of happiness and I had reached out to it. I knew I had started to fall, but I hadn’t realised how far. I didn’t understand myself.

Eventually I got out and crept into bed with Freddie, removing a small rubber lizard from beneath my left ear as I lay down, listening to his peaceful breathing.

When I woke in the morning, I was clutching my son like my life depended on it.

I looked out at the cat delicately picking his way through the pristine blanket of snow. I remembered a freezing January day in Oxford in Christ Church Meadow, where Alice had so famously fallen down the White Rabbit’s burrow. Dalziel and I had lain on our backs after tripping all night long and made angels in the new-fallen snow, laughing, giggling together like kids. We’d swept our arms out and above our heads through the thick soft drift, creating wings like the archangels might have had.

‘James,’ I said slowly, ‘why did Helen Kelsey think she saw you driving the other day?’

‘When?’

‘In Oxford. The day after you left?’

‘She can’t have.’

‘She seemed pretty sure. And she said you were with a girl.’

James looked over at the kids, who were busy drawing snowmen, and then he sat beside me, lowering his voice theatrically. ‘Look, I didn’t want to have to tell you this, but …’ He paused.

‘What?’ I felt a clench of something.

‘I’m – a little worried …’ he faltered.

‘Just say it, J, for God’s sake.’

‘She propositioned me at Karen’s Christmas party.’

‘What?’ I stared at him.