He rolled over and away from me. ‘There’s nothing to know.’ He sloshed whisky from a half-bottle into a stack of plastic cups with Mickey Mouse on the side, and handed the top one to me.

‘I’d like to know something.’ I sat up a bit. ‘Where do you live, where do you come from, why do you do this strange job?’

I wanted him to say something that made it all right; that made what he did acceptable in my eyes.

‘You don’t need to know, Rose.’ He stared at me and I could see myself reflected in his eyes. ‘Really. I’ve done some things I’m not proud of, and I’d rather not share them.’

‘All right.’

There was a pause.

‘I don’t normally behave like this,’ I said eventually, sipping at the whisky. ‘I’m not – this is the first time – I mean—’ I choked on the fiery liquid.

He grinned. ‘I’d never have guessed.’

I liked the laughter lines around his eyes. Lots of laughter lines; lots of laughing at some point. Only not with me. He was still and watchful. Like a cat, waiting for the mouse.

‘Silly.’ I tried to smile. ‘You know what I mean. I mean, the first time – I mean, I’m not a bad person, you know. I don’t – I haven’t made a habit of this.’

‘You are very unhappy, that’s what I know.’ He took the cup from me and put it down. ‘It’s obvious.’

He rolled me over gently and he traced my skin, my naked back with one finger and I shivered.

I was terrified. Terrified by what I was starting to feel so damn fast, so fast I was winded by it. Terrified by what I might do. By what he might be able to make me do.

* * *

Later he asked me about my husband. I was reticent: it wasn’t part of this; of us. I didn’t want it to be. Thinking about James brought me back to the children – and then my guilt began to kick in.

We lay tangled on the bed and he asked me other things: about my career, my times abroad. And for some reason, I believed that he was truly interested. I’d break off, embarrassed, and he’d prompt me on again. It felt like a luxury to be listened to this way.

My husband didn’t want me, that was the truth. This man did. I was falling deeper, too quickly, I could feel it.

And afterwards. This man pushed me backwards on the bed and held my arms hard above my head. This man kissed me like I hadn’t been kissed since I could remember. Since—

Ever.

Chapter Seventeen