‘What am I going to do, Xav – just lay down and die? And, Christ, let Higham ruin me professionally now because of some old grievance?’

‘What old grievance?’

‘Never mind. Something that wasn’t my fault.’

I thought of the picture of Charlie Higham in Katya’s room – debated whether to mention my new concerns to Xav, but it seemed pointless.

‘Look, I’m not going to just walk away from my life.’ I was more emphatic than I had been in months. ‘Not because they want me to.’

‘But you’d walked away from it anyway, hadn’t you? Your career, anyway,’ he said tiredly.

‘Not really. I was just … changing priorities.’

‘They’re good priorities to change,’ he said quietly. ‘Putting your kids first.’

‘Yes, I know, they’re the best priorities. But it doesn’t mean it’s OK for them to tarnish my reputation permanently. And to be honest, Xav, I need to work right now.’ I pleated my napkin into angel wings. ‘It’s the only thing I know how to do.’

‘Rubbish,’ he said vehemently. ‘There’s loads of other things you could do.’

‘But I don’t want to do anything else.’

‘Because you are addicted. You always were. That’s what gave you your edge in the first place. You were like a bloody Jack Russell down a fox-hole.’

‘Well, there you go. And now I need to ferret out this bit of truth.’

‘You’ll be sub judicious if you even try to write about James, or Kattan, if they’re investigating him too. Plus, you’re married to the defendant.’

‘I could do it under a false name.’ I knew I was desperately grasping at straws now. ‘Anonymously.’

‘Just leave it, Rose.’

‘But I need to know the truth. James is looking at prison, Xav, that’s become very clear. I don’t know what the hell is going on, but I’m sick of doing nothing. I’m just sitting here letting it all happen, and I haven’t got a clue what reality is any more.’

Xav took my hand. I looked at his face and I felt a plunging in my stomach.

‘What is it?’

‘Sometimes – sometimes, angel, the truth is just too painful to know.’

Before he could say any more, his phone rang. He paled visibly when he heard the voice on the other end.

‘I’ve got to take this, Rose,’ he said, moving away from the table to stand in the window. I sighed. Something told me I wasn’t going to get anything else from Xavier that day – other than a free lunch.

Chapter Twenty-Eight

Of good and evil much they argued then,

Of happiness and final misery,

Passion and apathy, and glory and shame:

Vain wisdom all, and false philosophy!

The Devil’s Council, Paradise Lost, Milton