And yet – Danny had made me feel beautiful. I pushed the memories away. I thought back to Katya. I hadn’t taken much notice of her, to be honest. I had been caught up in my own well of misery, busy with the arrangements. She’d turned up the night before the party and I stayed hidden in my room after James had hit me, with ice on my swelling eye, praying it would go down by tomorrow.

The next day she and Star had gone shopping in Oxford, then they’d played with the children for an hour whilst I ran around tweaking things. I remembered her painted face as she flew through the air, the thick black eye make-up, lashes like spider’s legs, silver glitter on her cheeks. I remembered the oxygen mask clamped over her white face whilst she lay dying. But I couldn’t recall much else.

‘Time’s up. Come on, Miller. Say your goodbyes.’ The lanky officer stared at me.

‘But, James, why would he say that?’ I leaned forward urgently. ‘He meant she was a proper whore. Like a prostitute. I know he did.’

‘Shut up, Rose,’ James hissed, standing now. ‘You don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about. He was just jealous because he wanted her and she preferred me. And I’m sorry, Rose, I’m sorry that I slept with her. It was only once or twice.’

‘Oh. Well, that’s all right then,’ I said flatly. For who was I to judge now?

‘Come on, Rose. You haven’t seemed bothered for years.’ I opened my mouth in incredulity, but nothing came out. ‘Don’t deny it, Rose.’

‘You’re talking rubbish, James.’ I stood too. ‘I can hardly remember the last time you actually came to bed with me. Probably when the twins were conceived.’

‘I did try.’ He was unconvincing. ‘Once or twice.’

I thought of the night Liam had brought the children home. We stared at each other across the table until James was led away. ‘Don’t forget the fags next time, OK?’ he muttered over his shoulder.

I nodded.

‘And kiss the children for me, please. Tell them Daddy loves them.’ There was a break in his voice.

‘I will.’

But he was gone.

And he was lying, that much was clear.

Chapter Twenty-Six
TIME OUT, JUNE 2008

Get down to the Revolver relaunch tonight and shake your thang to some of the best tunes in club-land. Don’t miss British hot-shot DJs Nathan Coles, Terry Francis, Beth B.B. and the altogether nu-wave Tig-Tig … And don’t say you haven’t been warned: the queues will be massive, the floors will be jumping, the bass will be pumping. 11 p.m. – 5 a.m., Smithfields. £10 on the door, £8 if you email [email protected]. Be there or be very very sorry …