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Back Never Look Back Save as PDF
Chapters (51)
  1. Cover
  2. Dedication
  3. One
  4. Two
  5. Three
  6. Four
  7. Five
  8. Six
  9. Seven
  10. Eight
  11. Nine
  12. Ten
  13. Eleven
  14. Twelve
  15. Thirteen
  16. Fourteen
  17. Fifteen
  18. Sixteen
  19. Seventeen
  20. Eighteen
  21. Nineteen
  22. Twenty
  23. Twenty-One
  24. Twenty-Two
  25. Twenty-Three
  26. Twenty-Four
  27. Twenty-Five
  28. Twenty-Six
  29. Twenty-Seven
  30. Twenty-Eight
  31. Twenty-Nine
  32. Thirty
  33. Thirty-One
  34. Thirty-Two
  35. Thirty-Three
  36. Thirty-Four
  37. Thirty-Five
  38. Thirty-Six
  39. Thirty-Seven
  40. Thirty-Eight
  41. Thirty-Nine
  42. Forty
  43. Forty-One
  44. Forty-Two
  45. Forty-Three
  46. Acknowledgments
  47. P.S. Insights, Interviews & More . . .*
  48. About the Author
  49. About the Book
  50. Also by Alison Gaylin
  51. About the Publisher

Gabriel stalled a little, pretending like he couldn’t find his license. I sat there, sweat pouring out of my underarms, slipping down my rib cage and into the belt of my too-baggy jeans, the vinyl seat of this cheap stolen car sticking to the backs of my arms and my neck. It felt like the whole car was trying to hold me down, to punish me for stealing it. Without moving my lips, I prayed for something. A miracle to save us. I wasn’t sure what that miracle would be, but I wasn’t picky. I told God, You decide.

And then I saw it happen: Officer Nelligan recognized us. I knew it before he said anything, just in the way he stopped talking, the way his back straightened, and he seemed to change shape, growing bigger and taller and meaner than he’d been just two seconds earlier. I pictured buttons popping on his uniform, his rage turning him into a giant, a monster that could, would kill Gabriel and me.

“Get out,” he said. “Get out of the car now. Both of you. Out.” I could hear the crackling of the radio at his belt. I saw the handcuffs in his holster, the gun. He told us to get out of the car again, and then everything seemed to slow down like gears grinding, each movement a freeze-frame, so I could see it super clear. Gabriel opening the door. My hand finding the gun on the seat between us—the gun that had killed Ed Hart. The gun I’d been forced to shoot Papa Pete with after his death, so that it now felt familiar in my hands and I knew what to do. It was a sign. At least that’s how I felt in that moment. Like God was showing me what needed to be done.

I told Gabriel to move out of the way. I think I must have screamed for him to do it. My throat still feels raw.

The cop reached for something—his radio or his gun, I wasn’t sure which. I had the gun in both hands. I released the safety the way Gabriel showed me. Time froze into a still photograph. I was standing at one end of a tunnel and Officer Nelligan was at the other and there was no one else in the world but the two of us. I pulled the trigger and we both fell back. It was like a weird dance, only he kept falling. My shoulders jammed into their sockets, same as with Papa Pete. And again, my arms went all weak and tingly and my head got light and I felt like I might pass out. It was only then, when I saw him fall to the ground, the blood spreading across his chest and pooling beneath him, his mouth opening and closing and then stopping—all of him stopping—that time started moving normally again.