Then, you were supposed to envision a better world, Ayanna reminded herself. No poverty, no homelessness, a place where everyone was treated with exquisite value, that was what her church had taught. War would be considered the deepest shame. We did things to mitigate climate change. We accepted hope over cynicism. We understood that compromise could be painful, but it was always better than violence. Life was sacred and to walk through a door and bring back life was honoring that. Her brain started to float. Maybe, she considered, the world would be a better place if all mayors and presidents were golden retrievers. A dog society. “I love myself,” Ayanna said, finally aware the drug was starting to work, but it still sounded like a lie. She tried to tense her legs again, but they ignored her.

Next, challenge yourself to make the world a better place. Even when it feels hopeless. To continue living, and Ayanna could almost hear her father’s voice at its warmest and most earnest, to continue living you have to want things to be better. Think of the small, kind things you can do when big changes are out of reach. Nothing will change if you don’t ever try. Figure out ways to advocate. There was heat on her scalp, it felt like her hair might fall out. Ayanna’s brain looped between a scheme to become a billionaire’s altruistic ex-wife, wandering the earth ending childhood poverty and starting arts scholarships, and the loopiness of sending postcards to different people urging them to reelect President Rover, a good and just boy who believed all humans should get universal walks and health care. Nothing will change if you don’t ever try.

Ayanna added another step to the ritual. “Olivia, Olivia, Olivia,” she said aloud. You had to say things in threes, she knew, to really mean them. I am so tired of being alone, Olivia, she thought. It was too honest to say aloud. She wanted her sister’s spirit to come to her and promise to never leave. She wanted her sister’s spirit to come to her and say: I am still alive behind the doors, and this is when they will return. And if her sister would not come to her. She said the name again, the name sounding more like O-lif-euh by the fifth and sixth attempts.