E’s already got tears in eir eyes, so I imagine e knows what comes next. E rubs a hand across eir face and says, “This is the part where you say you don’t want to see me anymore, isn’t it?”

I wait for em to lower eir hand before saying, “It’s not—I’m leaving soon, and when I do, I don’t know if we’ll ever see each other again, and I don’t know how we’re supposed to handle that.”

Devin looks down at eir feet, a sad look on eir face, and I don’t know what to say. I don’t want to hurt em, but that’s all I’ve been doing, lashing out because I don’t know how to live in this in-between of what should’ve been a perfect relationship.

I hate knowing that the pain on eir face is entirely my fault, and no matter what I do now, I’m just going to keep hurting em again. And I hate knowing that there’s no way we continue on like we were, and e’s probably going to blame emself for all of it, but I don’t know how to make it better.

Finally, I say, “I love you, Devin. I just—I wish I wasn’t moving to California. I wish I could stay here with you forever, but I can’t, and that means I need to learn how to live without you around. This is hard for you too, right? Knowing that we’re going our separate ways? And I just don’t know if it’s worth the pain it’ll cause both of us to try to maintain a relationship through all of this. I need time to think and decide if it’s worth the struggle of trying to make this work.”

“Oh,” e says.

And then we plunge into silence. I feel like I should say something else, but I don’t know what to say. Apologizing feels fake, and I’m not exactly good at comforting people, but just standing there in silence feels wrong, like I’m drawing out eir pain.

Finally, Devin says, “Whatever you decide, I hope things go really well for you in California, Noah. I really do. You deserve to be happy.”

“You too,” I say, because I can’t think of anything else, and I stand there feeling like the asshole who says “you too” when the waiter tells you to enjoy your meal even after Devin leaves, closing the door behind em.

Sunday, July 29

Thebraveofheart posted:

So . . . is the Meet Cute Diary just . . . over? It seems like the mod isn’t posting anymore, and everyone’s just walking away? What are we supposed to do if we want happy trans stories?