Devin’s practically glowing as e puts the tray down, a smile overtaking eir face. There’s a blush coating eir cheeks as e says, “Honestly, after everything that’s happened, I’ve basically regretted coming out since I did it.”

“Don’t you feel liberated?” I ask. “I mean, now that you don’t have to lie to yourself anymore?”

“Yes and no?” E runs a hand through eir hair and says, “I don’t feel as much like a fraud, but I also still kind of do. Being between labels sometimes feels like I don’t belong anywhere, or I’m just making something out of nothing because I don’t like what society asks of me. I know it’s ridiculous, but it doesn’t always feel like that.”

Devin pauses a moment before flashing me another smile and saying, “But thank you for saying that. It means a lot. Hell, it kind of feels like maybe I came out for a reason.”

I smile back because I don’t know what else to do. It seems kind of unfair that e’s the one who went through all the trauma and the struggle so I could have an easier coming out, especially when things still aren’t easy for em now.

But as selfish as it is, I’m really glad e did. Not just for me, though I know I never would’ve had the strength to admit all of it myself if I hadn’t watched em do it first. But also for the Diary and every message I’ve received saying that it saved their lives. If Devin hadn’t been my role model, I never would’ve found myself, and I never would’ve started the Diary, and that means all those trans people never would’ve found their faith in love. And even though I can’t tell em about the Diary and everything that it means to so many people, a part of me hopes that I can subconsciously pass on the information to em, show em just how important eir choice was.

“We still have a few more trays,” Devin says.

And I nod because I know I can’t go back and fix everything, but the least I can do is help em carry some of the weight now.

Step 9: The Catch

The moment the other person takes you into their arms and acknowledges that your feelings are requited.

Monday, June 25

And.rew03 posted:

[. . .] He couldn’t stop texting me while he was on the camping trip about how much he missed me and wanted to see me again. It’s really hard to be away from someone you care about so much.