I want to lean into em, hold em close for our last week together, but God, whoever said that it’s better to have loved and lost bullshit never dated Devin. Every time I look at em, I feel like I’m slowly prying off my own fingernails. Like I’ve been handed a pair of child safety scissors, and now I have to use them to cut out my spleen.

“Noah?” e says, and I shrug em off.

“It’s nothing,” I say.

“Okay,” Becca says, putting another book back on the shelf. “I’m tired of wading through bad book titles. Let’s do lunch.”

Devin spares me a quick glance, but I’m already turning and heading for the car.

We stop at a pho shop for lunch, and Devin orders a matcha green tea, and I stare idly at the cup, having an existential crisis. I mean, I didn’t even know e liked matcha, let alone enough to get a large. What else don’t I know about em? What other secrets are waiting to crawl out of the woodwork and destroy our entire foundation?

“Noah?” Devin says, idly playing with eir straw. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” I snap, and it’s rude, and I don’t know why I do it, but I can’t take it back. I should be enjoying the last few hours I have with Becca and the last week we have together, but all I can think about is our impending breakup and who’s going to say the words first. Are we going to be back at the little boba shop e took me to? The gym? Starbucks? Am I never going to be able to drink a vanilla latte again without thinking about the love that I lost?

This is different than losing Drew. Sure, I was dreading the eventual fallout, but that was because I knew we weren’t meant to be together and I didn’t want to have to clean up the mess.

But Devin’s been perfect. I’ve been happier these past two weeks than I’ve been in all my time in Denver. Hell, maybe my whole life. E’s been everything I imagined for myself when I created the Diary, and everything I thought I could find with Drew, and now I’m supposed to just give it all up.

Becca grabs my tea out of my hand and squints at it. “What do they put in this stuff?”

Devin laughs, but it sounds kind of hollow. Or did eir laugh always sound like that? Great, we haven’t even broken up yet, and I’m already forgetting the sound of eir laugh.

“Is there anything else you two want to do?” Devin asks.

Becca shrugs. “I’m actually kind of wiped. I’ll probably head back after this so I can get some sleep.”