‘No problem.’ She turns to the patient. ‘Maurice, I wish you all the best with your recovery. Whatever happens, don’t have sex or attempt sex for at least four weeks. That includes masturbation, do you understand? And if you have the urge to experiment with cock rings again, do us all a favour and buy one that’s designed for the job from a shop, will you?’

‘Yes, thank you,’ he replies meekly, but she’s through the curtain and heading back towards Majors before he even stops speaking.

‘Total waste of my fucking time,’ she hisses as we cross the waiting room, and I’m aware of a few ears pricking up. ‘I do this job to help genuinely sick people, not DIY perverts.’

‘I expect he’s learned a valuable lesson,’ I whisper back. ‘And it did give me an opportunity to practise some skills I haven’t used in a while.’

‘Hm. Shame you didn’t slip and chop his cock off. People like that don’t deserve to be put in charge of such a delicate organ.’

‘I’m not sure the claims department would agree with you,’ I tell her with a smile. ‘Plus, you know how much everyone loves a good sexual injury story, and that was a cracker. I’d put it up there with the woman who came in with a hen’s egg up her vagina.’

Dr Patel smiles grimly. ‘Bloody Gwyneth Paltrow has a lot to answer for. Do you remember the poor woman who tried to copy the vaginal steaming routine using her kettle? If there’s one part of the body you don’t want cooked medium to well done, it’s that. That was nice work on Maurice, by the way. Well done, Tilly.’

I smile back at her. At moments like this, I truly love my job.

2

I’ve known I wanted to be a nurse since I was a teenager, but I never expected to end up working in A & E. I always imagined myself on a ward, chatting jovially with patients as I adjusted their drips or helped them with their medication. However, we were expected to work in a variety of roles as part of the training and I found myself drawn to the cut and thrust of A & E, even though the schedule of twelve-hour day and night shifts is punishing. The other surprise is that Natasha, my younger sister, ended up following me into nursing and works in the Paediatric department of the same hospital in Tunbridge Wells. Neither of our parents have any connection to the medical world and my father is positively hospital-phobic, so they find it particularly strange that both their children are nurses.