The phone screamed from across the room, across the shadows behind her eyelids. She sat up too fast, sending a shock wave of pain down her left side where the worst of the cuts were still raw. Oddly, the pain felt good. At least she felt it, knew she deserved it. For eighteen years she’d watched the way the late-afternoon light fell on the bed, on the pillows and on the scratched wooden floors; the amber light was the sign of evening. How long had she been asleep?

She reached for the phone, groaned as her sweater pulled a bandage loose. “Hello?”

“Mom? Did I wake you up?”

Jack’s voice flowed across the line and instead of relief, she experienced a new and surging flood of guilt. “Hi, hon. No, I’m awake. Totally.”

Jack laughed. “Don’t lie, Mom.”

Don’t lie. Don’t lie.

“Okay, so you woke me. But I’m glad to hear your voice. What’s up?”

“I’m in between classes, but I wanted to check on you. Dad said he took you home today.”

“I’m great. More important, how are you?”

“How in the world did you end up in the middle of the marsh? You’re smarter than that.”

Don’t lie. Don’t lie.

“I just got confused . . . very confused and lost.”

“Okay . . .”

“So how are you?”

“Good. I hate my freakin’ chemistry class. Lisbeth and I are totally over-—she’s dating some Sigma Nu geek.”

“She’s already dating someone else? I thought she was so heartbroken she couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, would wait until she was shriveled and old for you to come back to her.”

Jack laughed, and for a moment she forgot her own pain as she submerged herself in her son’s good humor. “That’s what she said . . . dying, you know, just dying. But she found someone to relieve the pain, I guess.”

“Well, that’s not true love. You can’t just . . . fall in love with someone else that quick—if it’s real.”

“That’s exactly what I said.”

“That’s what . . .”

That’s what Nick did, just fell in love with someone else. That’s what I did.

The realization was so complete she almost spoke it out loud.

“I can’t wait to see you this weekend. Study hard. I’ll see you Friday night.”

“Okay, Mom. Get some rest.”

“I will.”

“I love you, Mom.”

Would he, if he knew what I had done?

“I love you too, Jack baby.”

Chapter Twenty-nine

Chapter Twenty-nine

She was prolonging her illness, willingly settling into the mind-numbing darkness of sleep. But the looming guilt was more than she could bear. Phil avoided her; he left whatever room he was in whenever she entered it. Communication consisted of exchanges of facts and needed information.