I sat down, my knees drawn up as I rested my arms on them. My own inner voice sounded like him. Like he could never fucking leave me alone. Even when he was dead and gone, his voice would still be there.

My tongue felt thick, my mouth too dry as I swallowed hard anyway. I’d been selfish. I’d wanted Jess so damn badly. I’d wanted another chance, as if a second opportunity would allow me to prove to her that she belonged with me. With us.

I’d allowed myself to forget that Jess was surrounded by privilege, by safety. That by inserting myself into her life, I’d dragged all my problems along with me.

My father had seen her. He’d fucking seen her with us. It was a violation just to have his eyes on her. It was violent for him to merely know her name. Nothing was off-limits in his mind, not even her. And I’d exposed her to that. It was my own damn fault.

A dark, coiled knot of anxiety crawled around in my chest. It gripped my lungs with sharp claws and stuffed its ugliness into my throat, making my hands shake. It made sure that no matter how hard I tried, I didn’t really have any control in the end.

I jumped to my feet, the sound of a twig snapping nearby sending my hand flying to my back pocket and the knife I kept there. But it wasn’t my father who came walking through the trees.

“Jess?” I cleared my throat, my voice barely audible. Her eyes were wide as she looked around, taking in the trees, the chirping birds, the soft grass beneath her shoes. But when her gaze fell on me, the worry in her eyes made me feel like a literal piece of shit.

I was scaring her; I was probably scaring all of them. They deserved better from me, but I couldn’t function enough to be that person. Not now.

“How did you find me?” She came closer, looking me over as if searching for any more injuries. My hand ached from punching the wall, but it was a well-deserved pain, and I wished I’d broken my damn fingers.

“Lucas,” she said. “He’s back on the road. He’s worried about you.”

Unable to keep eye contact with her any longer, I said, “You should go home, Jess. Tell Lucas…tell him I’m fine. Have him drive you home.”

Did I sound confident? Strong? Determined? Or did I sound fucking weak, like a coward, a man who couldn’t face the world?

She inhaled deeply, lifting her chin in that familiarly defiant way that made my entire chest clench up. “I’m not leaving you alone out here.”