He nodded, coming to stand beside me. “I started it when I was seventeen. That was when I first found this old barn. It’s been abandoned for years. The family who owns the property doesn’t even live in the state, so no one bothers to poke around. I used to drive out here when I needed time to myself.”

“Why a clown?” I said. The face paint was almost identical to what he’d worn that night at the Halloween party; dark shapes around his eyes and the lips painted black.

“I’ve always been into the clown motif,” he said. “Clowns are performers, meant to entertain you. But some people find them terrifying and others find them funny. Some think they’re sexy.” He waggled his eyebrows at me, and I laughed, shaking my head. “Don’t lie. You’ve got a little bit of coulrophilia yourself.” At my skeptical look, he explained, “You’re aroused by clowns.”

“I think not,” I said. He slipped his arms around me from behind, his chin easily resting on top of my head. “Maybe only if those clowns happen to be you, Lucas, and Jason.”

“Oh? You admit it then: you’re into the men behind makeup.” His grip tightened, prodding that burning arousal inside me. I was starkly aware of how wet my panties had become. “A clown is just a human being with a painted face and some weird clothes. It’s about perception. Whether they’re considered funny, scary, sexy — it all comes down to who’s watching you. The audience gets to define what they see. It’s all one big performance.”

I understood that. Sometimes no matter what you did, you couldn’t change the way people perceived you.

“I didn’t know you liked to paint,” I said. I felt so small tucked under his chin like that. I wasn’t particularly short, but he was so tall and lanky that I seemed tiny in comparison anyway.

“My family is pretty artsy. One of my little sisters, Mary, is a way better painter than me. She should be in galleries, and she’s only fourteen. But we all got the itch to create things. My parents encouraged us to express ourselves. I’ve got boxes full of beaded bracelets from the twins. And the littlest, Kristina, she loves to draw.”

“Such a big family. I guess that makes it easier, living with the other guys. You’re already used to a crowded house.”

“It’s a real circus,” he said. “In both instances. But I like that. It’s a good feeling to have a bunch of people you love close by. Makes you feel safe, like you’re never alone.”

Longing split my chest. I had no idea what it felt like to be surrounded by people I didn’t need to perform for. If I was alone, at least I couldn’t be judged.