My grandma couldn’t make the trip down here. They had a rocky relationship, but her own daughter’s death hit her so hard that she ended up in the hospital.

We had James cremated. The funeral home told us they would send us the ashes in the mail. I hope it gets fucking lost. I didn’t think I could ever hate someone as much as I hated James. Not only did he do unspeakable things to me, but he also terrorized his own children, put their mother in a coma, and now because of him, my mom and Nix are dead.

Losing a parent—your only parent—is as confusing as it is heartbreaking. My brain has still not fully processed that my mom is gone. There have been moments when the pain has been so overwhelming that I couldn’t breathe. Then other times, I simply forget she is gone. Those are the worst. I would reach for my phone, ready to text her, just to be reminded that I won’t ever be able to text her again. We had drifted apart after my accident, but she was still my mom, and there was a time we were actually close. I miss those times more than anything. A part of me always hoped we could find our way back to that relationship. Now we’ll never get a chance to try.

A sob rips from my throat without permission. I don’t want to cry in front of everyone, but my treacherous tears keep coming. I’m surrounded by people, but I feel so fucking alone. The thought has no time to take hold when I feel a warm hand wrap around mine, interlacing our fingers like they belong together.

Blinking the tears away, I look down at Colt’s hand holding mine. Colt stole my first kiss, my virginity, and many other things. We have been together in every way possible, yet this feels more intimate than anything else we have shared.

The rest of the funeral goes by in a blur. Most people come up to Colt and give him condolences; some ignore me completely, and others turn to me briefly with fake well wishes. I don’t really care about any of it. I think the only thing keeping me sane is Colt’s hand, which stays securely wrapped around mine through it all. Even when people hug him, he never lets go of me.

By the time we get back to the apartment, I’m beyond exhausted. All I want to do is curl up in bed and sleep for the next week. The only thing keeping me from doing so is Colt. All day, he has been my rock, my lifeline, the glue that held me together.

Now it’s my turn to be there for him. His nervous energy is enough to fill the room. “It doesn’t feel right without him.”