My ears are ringing, and everything’s blurry. I try to speak, try to scream, but I can’t hear myself. Colt grabs my arms, and I can’t figure out why at first. Why can’t I hear? His lips are moving, but I can’t hear anything he’s saying.

The ringing subsides after a few moments and so does the strange, foggy feeling in my head. Once it’s gone, there’s only one thing on my mind. “Mom!” I’m already unbuckling my belt with one hand while throwing the door open with the other.

“Leni, wait!” But I can’t wait. How am I supposed to wait? The fucking house exploded and is now on fire, and my mother is in there. She’s in there somewhere.

“Mom! Mom!” I scream as I run across the lawn to where the house is in flames. Glass and wood and siding and shingles are everywhere, and I run through them with Colt behind me, shouting my name. “Mom!”

“Leni, wait!” Colt grabs me around the waist and pulls me back before I can reach the front door. “You can’t go in there!”

“But Mom!” I strain and stretch, trying to fight my way out of his arms. She was trying. She knew she was wrong. Why didn’t I tell her I forgave her? I ignored what she needed, my forgiveness. I could’ve given it to her. I have to tell her.

Colt pulls me backward and away from the house. My lungs burn, my throat is raw from screaming, and my muscles ache from fighting Colt.

A moment later, the left side of the house collapses in on itself. The deafening sound of glass breaking and wood splintering fills the area. The smell of burning rubble invades my senses, and all I can do is collapse just as the house did.

“No!” I croak, dropping to the ground. Colt’s arms are still around me, and I think that’s the only reason I’m not falling apart. Because of him, my heart is still in my chest instead of spreading out on the driveway in a thousand little pieces.

He holds me for a long time, well past the point when flashing lights dance over the ruins as fire trucks come speeding our way.

CHAPTER 40

It’s late by the time we reach Colt’s apartment, hours after the explosion and everything that happened after. I’m pretty sure if he didn’t help me out of the truck and into the building, I might have sat in the passenger seat and stared through the windshield until morning. I don’t feel anything. Why don’t I feel anything?