3–5:00AM(?): had another fight. depressed. cried a lot. got better somehow. he came out with me to my car. smoked a cigarette while he sat beside me and we didn’t say much. ‘heaven or hell’ by volbeat came on the radio. it’s an ‘our song’ song, we heard it on the drexel college radio station last spring and were surprised by how stupid it sounded and how much we liked it. ex-boyfriend said ‘i would pay eighty dollars to see dipset and volbeat play together, but like…not forty dollars to see dipset play and forty dollars to see volbeat play.’ went inside. things felt better. drank picklebacks. he made a point to get water in cans, we were refilling cans with water a lot.

i was crying lightly the whole time i think, saying things about my mom, how my life is stupid. remember asking him to read me a story he liked out loud. he wanted to make a video but stopped reading not long after he started. camera ended up recording us crying, talking about buying a gun, vacationing somewhere nice for a week and then shooting ourselves. have discussed doing this in the past. always feel better after talking about this. at least one thing is in our control, or something. ex-boyfriend vomited a lot, i lined a big stew pot with a garbage bag to put by the bed. think he doesn’t want me to include video, i haven’t watched.

2:45PM–4:55PM: woke, had sex. acting kind and funny to each other. i’m sitting at kitchen table naked except for a big red cardigan. watched youtube on ex-boyfriend’s ipad: guided by voices documentary, videos of people playing ‘pokemon wifi,’ i think a heems video because i said heems was like blastoise, started to watch howard stern interview with henry rollins but i am hungry. getting ready to go eat pho now.

2:45–10PM: the main events:

•  ate pho at ‘pho ta’ on 11th st

•  drove by j.r.’s (bar where party animal would play later tonight)

•  parked near south street to see dan at dan’s store

•  store closed

•  walked to essene, bought chocolate chip scone

•  walked to ‘mostly books’

•  walked to whole foods and i shat

•  walked to rite aid where i got ‘azo standard’ (that’s my vulnerable reveal of the day: it hurts me to pee after sex sometimes, it’s not an STD, i get UTIs a lot, since i was like, eight years old, i don’t know. burning urgency, extreme pee pain. think it’s related to the distance between my asshole and vagina hole. maybe a flesh tunnel…i don’t know. body conspiring against me. azo standard turns your pee bright red. okay. there you have it. secret is out.)

•  walked to car

•  gave kool a.d. one molly pill after party animal show

11:33PM: writing this about to watch ‘da vinci code’ will update later

MARCH 25, 2013