8:50PM: the waitress brought one set of chopsticks. i said ‘one more set.’ she said ‘one more?’ i said ‘one more, for my friend. two people.’ she said ‘two people.’

notable things i remember from dinner: alec said he hadn’t read ‘taipei.’ felt surprised and asked him why. he said he doesn’t want to read things that make him more depressed…like he is wanting to read things that make him happy lately, a lot of which are classics, i think…think he said ‘dickens’…something about how depression or writing depressed things folds in on itself and becomes…jesus. i forget. we talked about how we first met and he asked if i knew he had a crush on me for a little bit, in baltimore, and i said ‘yes.’ he asked how i knew and i said ‘when you asked to spoon me that night.’ he said ‘you asked me to spoon you!’ remember this…specifically another way…snickering right now…i could’ve asked him to spoon me though, now that i think about it. remember the night it happened, his 20th birthday, the day before we took a bus to new york and stayed with his friend ryan for a few days, walked around brooklyn a lot and i bought sandals and shorts, then i met jordan and mallory for the first time with tao at pure food & wine and we ran around times square, then i cat-sat for zachary at his apartment in brooklyn while he was on vacation with his then-girlfriend, jamie, who has been living with him at the same apartment since sometime this summer. alec and i did a ‘power hour’ on his porch in baltimore the night of his 20th birthday. the only other ‘power hour’ i had ever done was on my 20th birthday too. regarding the spooning: i remember thinking ‘it’s possible that we could have sex but i feel platonic, maybe spooning would be okay,’ something about a hand…thinking ‘it’s okay if he holds my hand, i like alec’ and wishing i felt romantic things.