at some point when things felt heated i said ‘i didn’t even ask to be here, you guys are the ones who made me and all you want to do is fix me or hear me say ‘everything is okay, i’m fine, i’m sorry, soon i’ll stop being so messed up and you don’t have to worry about me and i won’t bother you anymore,’ that’s like operating behind every conversation like this or any time anything goes wrong, i don’t get it, you just made me so you could fix me and i could say ‘everything is okay, you did a good job, please don’t worry.”

shitty person, me.

i feel like the problem is me and not my parents.

the desire to not keep my mouth shut comes from a ‘reaching’/stretching sensation combined with an ‘about to jump off a cliff’ sensation.

can see opportunities to keep my mouth shut.

near the end in relationships when i get discouraged i take those opportunities more and more and my ideas about the person become rigid/hopeless and i return to being alone.

so.

guess i have this to look forward to forever.

how do you be different, does anyone know.

people go to therapy for this.

maybe it will help to write this down.

does anyone know how to stop being the way you are.

is it always going to involve some kind of compromise, like, ‘i wish i could do the other thing where i just act like how i am naturally but it doesn’t work so i’ll intentionally do something i would never do now?’

that would be okay.

does anyone want to be paid to tell me what to do…

follow me around and say ‘do this differently, you do this other thing too much’ (i’m unable to say what those things are because i don’t know because i just act how i naturally act)…

4:21AM: ate 1mg xanax.

6AM, 9AM, 12PM: woke all these times and ate small pieces of carbs. hard to fall asleep again. felt UTI pain and took medicine.

1:55PM: woke and peed. mom said she wanted to go to the hotel resale furniture store to buy me a mirror and so i could see the place. she told me this while standing over me and patting my head while i was in bed.

2:02PM: attorney’s office called. i said i’d be over there by 3PM.

2:28PM: texted matthew donahoo video of mom’s apartment.

3:35pm: signed release forms for accident settlement at attorney’s office. A girl named Elise came to the door. The doorbell was broken so I knocked. She said she went to ‘Jekyll and Hyde’ in NYC. I said ‘broadway? The broadway play?’ she said it was a restaurant where people in costumes approach your table. She guided me through signing papers. I got $6000 total but my hospital bills and attorney fees made it $3901. I said ‘hell yeah.’ she said ‘you can’t sue them again.’ I said ‘I don’t want to, thank you though.’ my mom got more money than me I think, because she went to therapy after the accident and had knee replacement surgery.