11:08PM: snorted a little more than half the powder heroin quadrant of light blue pill container. forgot i’d preemptively divvied out an amount ‘for next time,’ as a friendly gesture to ‘future me who doesn’t want to decide how much heroin she wants or find a surface to snort it.’ laid in bed and closed eyes.

just saw mental picture of sitting in my car behind a pick-up truck with an american flag decal that took up the entire back window, on left side shoulder of highway, police lights, i was in the cop car

pental picture of four of my driver’s licenses falling from a white paper that had been folded in half

mental picture of the itunes visualizer as just a black spinning oval over a slightly less black background

what if the itunes visualizer was

mental picture of…damn…no way to describe, it wase

mental picture of something about…like…jeusu. forgetting things so fast.

11:38PM: it really took 30 minutes to type from ‘just saw…’ to ’11:38PM.’ leaving typos to show struggle. keep doing stereotypical ‘head drops slowly groundward then jerks up’ thing like that sleepy kitten viral video on youtube. the first viral kitten video thing. annoyed by difficulty to focus eyes and urge to lay motionless. enjoyed watching all of the image thingies. probably saw/imagined 20-25 things total. some of them seemed hyper-detailed the way dreams can be, like, entire rooms and life contexts/sets of memories.

11:42PM: got ice water and four chocolate-covered cherry and orange candies. sat at desk to discourage laying down. somehow thought heroin would make me feel less sedentary.

11:50PM: mom approached my room, talking fast and almost affectedly cheerfully about how she was going to be a person on ‘downton abbey,’ from now on. picture of pill container was visible. panicked and forgot how to minimize things but didn’t want to draw attention to computer. knew my eyes would probably look unfocused and suspicious if i looked at mom. she was still talking. clutched computer to body and turned so screen faced only me. mom said ‘are you crying?’ i said ‘no.’ she said ‘i came in here because your face looked like it was crying.’ i said ‘i’m not’ and she said more things about the show and what she thought i looked like and i looked for other places to look and concentrated on discreetly holding the computer. seemed like it would never end.

11:57PM: can feel pulse in heels, arms, face. it’s not beating at the same time. all places receive pulse at slightly different speeds. seems crazy to think about where in body speeds are faster than others because that would like…involve…that they all started at a time…i guess i did technically have ‘one first beat of pulse’ but…

MARCH 21, 2013

12:16PM: feel heroin effects less. forgot about unfocusable eyes thing. wanted to drive to d.c. will still do that, i think. or no. i don’t know. nothing at all today.