7:14PM: i don’t really know what i mean by all of that. i’m a little bitch.

WHAT’S HAPPENED SINCE BATHTUB LAST NIGHT:

•  dried off and put on pajamas

•  ate 1mg xanax (2.5-3.5mg total, i think)

•  toasted ‘everything’ bagel, spread chive cream cheese on both sides

•  ate half the bagel in bed, looked at internet, probably fell asleep around 6AM

•  woke around 12PM to text from colin asking if i’d fedex-ed him my tenant application yet (application process feels less time-sensitive since i flaked on driving to NYC) and texted ‘i’m on my way, will do fastest shipping option’

•  found the other bagel half, ate it

•  ate three small sugar-free sprouted cookies, one glass raw/unpasteurized milk

•  set alarm for 3PM with plans to wake, write cover letter, go to fedex

•  dreamed something about being an orphan child with sam pink and living in a cement room where we collected things we stole and…seemed to ‘party’…it was fun…we lived in a room in one of those horseshoe-shaped two-story buildings with a courtyard that you see in florida a lot

•  woke around 4PM. colin had texted ‘ok good’

•  ate another sprouted cookie thing and felt xanax things like i wanted to eat more

•  ate half an apple, handful raw sugar snap peas

•  mom made me a tuna melt and we stood talking in the kitchen

•  told mom about hallucinations and how i thought they were eyeball-related

•  talked with mom and ate tuna melt at dining room table

•  drank a glass of ‘hot lips no sugar added pear soda’ over ice

•  looked at internet, re-read parts of this, read emails, read texts from keith and mira. feels hard to interact with people right now which is why i haven’t talked/responded to you (if i haven’t), i have plans to respond to everyone at some point

•  looked at gchats i haven’t responded to from ex-boyfriend

•  typed 6:46PM update

•  wanted another ‘hot lips no sugar added pear soda,’ drank melted ice, thought ‘flavorless but cold is enough,’ filled glass with ice and water

•  asked mom what she planned to do tonight. she said she’d watch ‘downton abbey’ again. i said ‘i thought you thought it was boring’ and she said, sounding a little like george costanza, something like, ‘well, the characters…you get to watching and…i don’t know. it’s really a little interesting!’

•  said ‘i might go to yoga or something…my body…i’m barely moving’ and mom said something consoling i wish she hadn’t

•  walked back to room feeling hellish about seeing the same things for so many days in a row

•  imagined several tasks i could do today that already seem harder/less realistic to accomplish because of eating the tuna melt and bagel

considering doing more heroin to improve mood. might feel like exercising lightly or taking a walk if i do that. out of adderall.