MAY 22, 2013

1:10am: woke ate 1mg Xanax apple pie thing

12am: woke ate more Xanax think I said ‘I want to get a sandwich.’ Zachary said ‘we’re not getting a sandwich.’ Toasted bread and made salad with cucumber, pepper, chickpeas, avocado. Watched ‘the office’ and ‘king of the hill.’

4am: woke again ate 2mg xanax

9am: woke confused. I said something like ‘are you my boyfriend,’ unsure/foggy. Zachary seemed upset I asked

At some point in my apartment, maybe the night before, I said I was still doing the liveblog and he said ‘oh, so this’ll be in it’

At some point he said something about how I wasn’t writing for vice anymore and made a noise like ‘that’s what I thought’ when I said I hadn’t officially said I was stopping, I wasn’t sure I wanted to stop, I had nothing more to write

Got ready assembled Masha package

Went to Duane reade

Got gas

1:18pm: dropped him off at Jamie’s and his place. He said Jamie’s e-cigarettes were better and they sold them at a deli near her. Parked. Bought e-cigarette Jamie uses, ‘logic’ brand. Said ‘see you soon’ to Zachary’s body, mostly half-out the car. He said ‘yeah I’ll see you around kid.’

1:19pm: ate 20mg adderall going to navy place in manhattan

2:06pm: parked on church and Barclay in a parking lot. Street parking seemed impossible. Don’t want another ticket. Told parking man I would be a couple hours. Chugged 16oz red bull. Hid e-cigarette in birth control packet.

2:25pm: walked out of navy office. disheartening things were said about my age. Disheartening. Talked mostly to man in uniform who said ‘call me ‘rice,” then a lot of things I didn’t understand about enlisting. I asked if he did active duty in other countries and he said he went to Germany and his kids got to come and it was great. I asked what he did now and he said something about working at the desk I was facing. He said he liked it a lot. I said ‘I have my CDL, for truck driving, would that help?’ he made a face like I had said ‘I’m batman.’ he said ‘yeah that’s good, I mean there’s tons of jobs in aviation for driving, but the guy behind me knows more.’ I said ‘could you explain some more to me about college, if I could finish college then, I don’t know.’ he said something I didn’t understand. I said ‘ROTC’ at one point and he said ‘I think you’re too old for that, but maybe not.’ He said ‘so you wanna be a pilot?’ I said ‘I want to be a pilot, planes, I wanna work for NASA someday’ and nodded vigorously. He smiled. He said ‘I wasn’t ever on a ship.’ I said ‘my dad was on a ship, the Joseph p Kennedy, the Cuban missile crisis.’ he looked interested, asked me how much longer I have for college. I said ‘maybe two semesters, but I think I’d need to change my major to physics, I was psychology.’ he said things I didn’t understand but I didn’t know how to ask him to clarify. He said the man behind him was his supervisor and might know more about if I could be a pilot. The supervisor man got off the phone. He seemed younger than me but older than ‘rice.’ He asked if I was a us citizen. Rice said ‘she’s twenty-seven, she got some college.’ Superior guy said ‘what’s your major?’ I said ‘psychology mostly.’ he said ‘that might work, but twenty-seven, I don’t know, twenty-eight.’ I said ‘I heard there were age waivers.’ they nodded. The superior guy said I could do other aviation navigation jobs until I was 32. Rice gave me the number of a lieutenant who knows more. I said ‘should I just go talk to him now?’ Rice said he was usually just walking around but it was better to make an appointment. I thanked them and left. Rice said ‘good luck.’