i feel like the guilt for not having it as shitty as you imagine some people to have it takes you one level down from ‘feeling bad’ on the ‘global barometer of feeling bad.’ like you do have it a teensy bit worse than someone who isn’t aware that they could feel worse. i feel a little better writing that, in a sick way.

9:28am: raining and cold. meeting dad’s moving friends (Leo, Debbie, Naiem) at his office, getting gas, picking up cats from dad’s. considering taking adderall. Feel shitty Xanax things from last night, fell asleep around 5am watching asmr videos and ate a Dove bar. Relieved it won’t be Zachary and me today, lifting stuff. Listening to ‘one hit wonder’ by everclear on repeat.

9:49am: followed dad’s car to office. No one else was there. Gave him directions to rockaway park. He gave me sudafed and nose spray, said he would just guess what I’d want from storage unit, to save time. Confirmed plan. Ate 20mg adderall, noopept, licked cocaine baggie.

9:56am: bought gas, 16oz sf red bull

10:31am: dad called with a question about a wooden thing. I said ‘just don’t bring the dresser’ and described it. We exchanged descriptions of the wooden thing…I don’t know what he was talking about. Seemed like there would be extra time. Garnered two blueprint green juices and an energy shot from whole foods. Same checkout station as a few weeks ago, when I was rung up by the man I liked, who showed me the clear barcode.

11:27am: cats are in car. Got the impression dad is leaving most things I asked to bring and bringing things I don’t want or aren’t mine. Picturing Zachary and Jamie acting cozy/domestic in the video I saw last night. She doesn’t like his long hair or glasses. His hair was pulled back in the video and he wasn’t wearing glasses. I’m weak. Stupid. Cats are howling. Raining. They are confused about how fast the car is moving and all of the noises, I think.

11:52am: dad and Debbie passed on the left, smiling and waving.

12:00pm: kitties in kitty hell aka kitty carriers on front seat of car. Texted/responded to a lot of low-priority emails fast. Have to pee.

12:24pm: peeing in rest stop. Wearing pre-9/11 panties I’ve had since high school. They’re white with a lavender graphic of the NYC skyline, featuring the World Trade Center. Didn’t realize thematic appropriateness as I was dressing for success this morning. Two toilet seat liners have been blowing into, through, and past stall, tumbleweed-like, during this pee session.

1:10pm: have been thinking things like ‘how did I decide to do this, how is this happening, this is a mistake, what else could I be doing, what the fuck am I doing.’ Have to pee again.