5:03AM: first fucking morning bird fuck that shit. fuck that shit. i want to live somewhere birdless. also sunless, maybe. without sunrises. i just never want to know when it’s about to be morning again. like how some married people are like ‘i don’t care if they cheat, i just don’t want to know about it.’ that’s how i feel about the sky ‘becoming morning’ on me, like it’s my unfaithful spouse and i’ve said ‘please i don’t care if you do it, just don’t let me know about it,’ but it doesn’t pay attention and continues on with the morning birds and the sun and the whole gang and there’s no way for me to divorce it. actually i could divorce it by dying. pictured it saying, ‘i’m never going to be silent about becoming morning, it’s nothing to be ashamed of and i want you to stay informed, but if you can’t deal with it, why not just leave me already,’ then me dying quietly in the night without telling it, then a few days later it finds out and thinks ‘that’s exactly what i thought she’d do, i knew she was no good,’ then eventually it forgets me and happily continues its shameless displays of becoming morning after night forever.

6:16AM: ate 15mg adderall. thought ‘damniny shniggets, like the evil jiminy crickets. no wait, they did that, lemony snicket.’ thought ‘much to the favorites of none, [something about twitter]’ and turned off hall light. didn’t think anything but ‘damniny shniggets’ that i’m aware of from hallway to balcony, where i’m currently smoking again.

8:02AM: have been typing crack summary, not looking at anything else. sun up, bright.

8:07AM: bright light, 48 degrees, can hear a lawnmower. feel like i’m writing myself into…not understanding words…starting to feel embarrassed about all of this, myself, etc., but significantly less so than i have in the past.

10:37PM: got my period. seconds ago. period descended into underpants. alert the presses. it does seem a little interesting that i opened the window i’m typing in before i got my period. ‘seconds ago’ was real-time liveblogged. i’m in my bedroom. outside people are yelling like they’re playing sports. postponing finishing/mailing book packages in favor of finding remaining ‘mumblecore’ DVDs to mail to people who want to screen it in spain.

10:47AM: something so indescribably…jesus…it’s this sinking feeling about the internet, looking at all of this stuff at, now, 10:48AM…all the tweets and the facebooks and the websites and the emails and then this liveblog shit…me in relation to all this and me sitting here…not removing myself…this feeling will be gone soon.

10:48AM–2:17PM: same extremely slow pace different tasks.

2:18pm: masha texted ‘Feel physical chest tightening aversion to taking adderall today even though I’m more fucked without it.’

7:50pm: droplet of water fell on back. parked in front of dad’s. Touched ceiling to check for leaks.