12:30am: now ‘Simply the Best’ by Tina Turner is playing. Keep gawking and laughing at things, like, how is this what I’m seeing—‘party time,’ ‘married for life,’ ‘go for it.’ All of this seems specifically arranged just for me, right now. Aware of being store’s only observable customer, who appears more concerned with her phone than shopping. Moving only to avoid looking suspicious. Trying to walk with purpose. Sensed a person nearing me and narrowed my eyes ceiling-ward, like the lyrics of ‘Simply the Best’ were making me look elsewhere to more seriously contemplate them, because this is something I thought ‘normal people’ would do.

12:33am: old man pushing large wheeled machine looked me in the eye like he was thinking ‘Christ, I’d wish you well but what’s the use’ as we passed each other. Selected a Monster ‘Absolutely Zero’ energy drink. Absolutely zero. Simply the best.

12:35am: used automated self-checkout to pay.

12:36am: a shitty philosophy class would have ‘photo of barcode on red bull can next to actual barcode: which is more real?’ on the syllabus. I could teach the shit out of that class right now.

12:38am: an example of something ‘basic’ that isn’t widely regarded as ‘basic’ yet: the set-up of pressing the ‘no, that’s not ok’ option on an ATM screen and instead of printing your receipt the ATM responds by arguing with you.

12:40am: sitting in parking lot again. Forgot to mention I’ve been eating a birth control pill every night around this time. Seems like a weird time to mention my coat smells like dad’s cologne but hey I don’t make this shit happen I just write it down.

12:52am: driving to mom’s. Seems highly unlikely that I’ll sleep tonight if I don’t eat Xanax. If I eat the Xanax I will sleep really hard and probably hit ‘snooze’ too many times and miss appointment with Colin tomorrow in NYC. We’re meeting so I can give him my apartment-garnering portfolio binder thing at 12:30pm. That is less than 12 hours from now. Four of those hours will be driving. Traffic. Consider showering and dressing, that takes time also. Should I eat the Molly now. Goddamnit. I have six Mollies. Should I eat one, then eat remaining adderall to drive? Seems like a good conservation of uppers. Megan Boyle: noted uppers conservationist. Uppers activist. Sleepless shivering retard. Molly-eating seems so inevitable now, like being secretly gay and locked in an elevator with the man you’ve loved since ‘the war,’ who you know loves you too.

1:04am: when my body aches like this I feel like it’s getting stronger. Does anyone know anyone know if being awake for a long time counts as exercise? Should I keep driving so I can smoke another cigarette? Shit. No it’s time to end this hell.

1:24AM: arrived home. pooped twice. washed face and brushed teeth and did more boring things. hugged mom, who was watching ‘the mary tyler moore show’ in bed. tried on t-shirt dad gave me. dad said he donated money to some people so they could arrange a memorial concert for a dead friend and they made t-shirts and gave him one. i like everything about the shirt.