me: ‘Gotta walk on this walkway I got a lust for life’

10:18pm: bartender not letting him have two beers then I came out of bathroom and he said ‘wait’ll bartender sees you’re real’

Gonna stay at this bar

‘Gimme a shot’ Z says

10:21pm: Z: ‘I’m old as shit’

me: ‘Compared to some kids these days’

Z: ‘I miss those days’

me: ‘All young women here seem like paralegals’

10:58pm: Z: ‘I accept things, like Instagram,’ sarcastically says more things about it.

me: ‘The next girl you get pregnant you’ll have to marry.’ Later I say ‘it’s fucked up that you expect me to feel better, I tried that earlier on drive here, nothing works.’

He makes fun of the word ‘matter.’

In convo about what I’m doing w/liveblog, what does he want to write/does he wants to write again, I say ‘Melville house.’ Making eye contact he says ‘I got it cause Tao knew them.’ I kept stressing if you find something that interests you great, I don’t get why he feels pleasure at disapproving of me. Asked him for help remembering a few things. He said what I’m doing w/liveblog seems great, as if ‘multitude of idiots think you’re great, I know what real greatness is.’ I called him out somehow. He said ‘you’re right’ a few times and seemed to want to be happy, like, touch me, be silly. On escalator he said something about how his parents wouldn’t have believed I was getting ready earlier because I looked so bad.

11:06pm: Woman a few toilets down is confidently improvising ‘when do we know I don’t know’ + other new lyrics to ‘bring me a higher love’ song playing on speakers. She is soloing hard over toilet flushing next to me.

11:07–11:59PM: did not update.

APRIL 2, 2013

12–1:03am: argument in car. ‘There’s no way to make you feel how I feel.’ Back at his house I write two pieces of paper analyzing argument, feel dumb, can hear Jeopardy in living room.

Nothing left to say

‘I’ll get Shirley’

He’s watching jeopardy

I said ‘snow white’ as response from the kitchen.

‘I feel fine wish you didn’t want to be a bitch’

‘I’m not a bitch’

‘We are different’

Did I leave charger

Go back to house

Saw him

‘Oh that’s right people don’t lock things here’

Thought about calling but no

2:16am: Set cruise control. Saw shooting star.

2:27am: Swerving everywhere. Ate 30mg addy, noopept. Listening to Cocteau twins.

4:59am: Shirley sleeping. Drove around beltway again. Sober now. Intensity of argument feels foreign

Have been singing along to things

When I’m procrastinating I like to drive around the beltway in a circle, singing intensely

I know before I talked about how weird it is how people feel compelled to sing

I sing ‘under pressure’ a lot

I sing some taking back sunday songs

Imagining people watching Feels good

Used to wear headphones and stare out the window imagining I was all the people in the band, usually the singer or drummer