Bai Xue was just looking at Xiaokai with that soft smile. “Would you like to?”

The breath caught in Xiaokai’s throat, but then Bai Xue was moving forward, his hands sliding around Xiaokai’s waist, pulling Xiaokai flush against his body.

“W-wait.”

Bai Xue stopped, nuzzled up against the nape of Xiaokai’s neck. “Hm?”

“M-my last appointment—”

“What’s wrong, Xiaokai?”

“There are—there are marks. I won’t be able to hide them. I should have rescheduled so you didn’t have to see them.”

There was silence for a long moment. Xiaokai could feel Bai Xue’s breath against his skin. Then: “Show them to me.”

“Are you sure? They’re not—”

“Show them to me.”

Xiaokai unbuttoned his shirt with shaking fingers. Bai Xue’s fingers caught the edges and he pulled them apart and away from Xiaokai’s chest before Xiaokai was even done. “They’re ugly,” said Xiaokai, suddenly ashamed. He’d let this happen to himself—and celebrated when it did happen—but now that Bai Xue was standing in front of him and examining him like this, he felt like he needed to shrink back, away from his gaze, make up any excuse he could to reason this away.

“Who did this to you?” Bai Xue’s course fingers gently traced along the few unmarred places on Xiaokai’s stomach.

“I can’t tell you that. You know I can’t.”

“Aren’t you—” For the first time since Xiaokai had met him, Bai Xue seemed to stumble on his words, swallow them back. “Aren’t you supposed to stop them from doing things like this?”

Xiaokai looked away.

“Xiaokai.”

“It’s—I should have. But I didn’t.” He didn’t know whether he wanted Bai Xue to push or to back away. He didn’t know if he wanted Bai Xue to cancel the appointment and leave him alone or to just push forward and get on with it.

“Xiaokai, what do you want?”

That startled Xiaokai enough to meet his eyes again. What did he want? He—what did he want? He wanted to be left alone. He wanted to be swallowed up until he couldn’t breathe. He wanted to be back in the hospital, where Sun Yue and Liu Baiyan could visit but couldn’t stay. He wanted to be sprawled out on his bedroom floor with an empty pill bottle lying at his side. He wanted to be under Hu Yongzhu again, sobbing from pain. He wanted to be a child again, barely able to breathe, Xingyu looking down at him with horror in his eyes. He wanted to be in Bai Xue’s arms. He wanted to be on a plane, running away from all of this, to a place where Liu Baiyan and Sun Yue and Liu Xingyu couldn’t look at him or talk to him or put their hands on him.