Chapters (45)
It had been a good idea to visit Weiran first. It had distracted him just enough that Bai Xue didn’t even cross his mind—he’d only been concentrating on Weiran, on dragging the pleasure out of him, on losing himself in the sensations. After parting from the other man, though, the distraction had begun to unravel; he’d barely been able to keep it together in the car with Driver He, had almost felt his voice crack on the phone with Meimei, and then with Xingyu—with Xingyu, who called him Xiaokai with that look in his eye—
Xiaokai let out a choked sob, rolled over, squeezed the sides of his head with his hands hard enough to make his skull burst.
“Stop thinking about it. Stop thinking about it. Stop thinking about it.”
Bai Xue’s hands on him, his mouth on him—
“Stop thinking about it, please, please, PLEASE—”
The shivers wracking his body, the shock of the chains touching his body, leaning desperately into Bai Xue’s touch to get any warmth, any warmth at all—
He couldn’t breathe. He lurched out of bed and clutched at his chest, clawing at his skin as if he wanted to dig his lungs out and present them to the air for relief. He needed to—he needed to get out of here, needed to run, needed to find water and plunge his face into it until all he could think about was the water rushing through his throat.
“Xiaokai.”
He found himself on the floor, face down, his forehead pressed to the cool hardwood floor, both hands wrapped around his stomach protectively.
“Xiaokai, I’m opening the door.”
A moment passed, and then the door creaked open.
“Xiaokai, come. Stand up.” Sun Yue’s hands wrapped around Xiaokai’s arms and she very carefully lifted him to his feet.
“I’m—” He choked on his words. “I’m sorry, I’ll—”
“Shh.” A warmth enveloped him then, and it took Xiaokai a long time to realize what was happening: Sun Yue was hugging him. For the first time in Xiaokai’s memory, his mother was hugging him. He was frozen from this conclusion, his arms stiff at his sides. “Here, come this way.” She led him to his bed again, helped him on and then pulled the covers over him. He was trembling still, uncontrollably, and could not muster the questions that were spinning through his head. “Take this.” Now she pressed a pill into his hand. Xiaokai blinked at it blearily—it didn’t look like his antidepressants. “Just take it. It’ll help you sleep.”
Dutifully, Xiaokai swallowed it dry. Sun Yue’s hand smoothed over his forehead.
“Everything will make sense soon,” she said. “Just sleep for now.”