She was right. The face made with whipped cream had been marred by the cutting.

“At some point you have to eat it,” Melissa said. “You can’t sit there and look at it all day.”

Courtney dropped her fork with a clatter.

In that moment, Melissa saw a flash of childish innocence. She recalled the old saying “You can’t have your cake and eat it too.” That was what Courtney wanted—to preserve the pancakes and consume them as well. Melissa saw that clearly, but she couldn’t force Courtney to see it and she didn’t know what to do.

Had David gone through this? What had her son wished for on his birthdays? He was eight now. A melancholy swept over her and as she watched Courtney dissolve into tears, she realized she was looking in a mirror.

Melissa wanted life to be something she could have in front of her with everything neat and clean and tied in a bow. But her life was messy and there was no bow big enough. The decisions she had made and the decisions others had made encircled her life.

“Is something wrong?”

The voice startled her and she looked up at her friend. “Courtney’s upset because she can’t see the face anymore.”

“Oh, sweetie,” the server said, kneeling beside the girl. “I think I can help. You wait here. And go ahead and take a few more bites. I’ll be right back, okay?”

Miraculously, Courtney obeyed the woman and began to eat what was in front of her, wiping at her eyes and getting syrup and whipped cream around her mouth. Melissa dipped a napkin in water and cleaned her face a little, but it was a losing battle. A few minutes later the server returned with a plate that contained a single pancake with a perfectly drawn whipped cream face, complete with hair that looked just like Courtney’s.

As Courtney ate, she kept her eyes on the lone pancake beside her, and Melissa imagined David sitting beside Courtney. Maybe he would have cut her pancakes for her. She tried to morph his face in her mind—what would he look like compared with the last picture the Coltons sent? How tall was he? When did he begin to walk or run or talk? What did his laugh sound like? All of that was filtered through Courtney and the milestones of her first word, first steps. Melissa had missed those with David by her own doing, and she hated herself for that. She was sure she would never know the answers to her questions because she would never see him again. Why would he want to meet her? She had given him away. Abandoned him to another family.