Melissa had experienced several false alarms and trips to the doctor’s office. Each time she was sent home, feeling as if she’d somehow failed. She’d bothered the staff needlessly. The nurses told her not to worry, that this was normal for a first pregnancy, but she couldn’t shake the idea that she should have known it wasn’t time.

As the baby grew and her body changed, she saw what was happening as a miracle. Another life was growing, fed and nourished by her own body, a separate person yet vulnerable and connected to her, fully dependent and affected by her choices. She’d seen pregnant women before, seen the glow they seemed to have as new life grew, but she’d never known why. Now with each heartbeat, she seemed to draw closer to her child, yearning to see him and hold him and feed him. She couldn’t get over the excitement of meeting this intimate stranger.

With that growing connection came another thought: the struggle that was ahead to let go of this little person she had nurtured. How could she let go of someone she was growing to love? She felt the dual tug of wanting to give all of herself for her son and yet knowing she would have to place him in another’s arms. Her instinct told her to distance herself from the pain of letting go. But how could she become distant to someone so close to her heart?

She felt the struggle every time the baby kicked and moved. She felt it when she was awakened at night by Brian’s snoring and by the pressure below that made her desperate for the bathroom. In those waking moments she felt so tired, so exhausted she couldn’t move, and she imagined what might be ahead for her son. Sometimes she spoke to him in the night, whispering gently, “It’s okay. Everything’s going to be okay.” But she knew she was speaking those words to herself.

One night in her thirty-eighth week, she threw off the covers and wandered into the living room. Winter had gripped the Midwest but Melissa felt so hot she opened a window and turned on the TV. Brian had rigged rabbit ears and they could only pull in a few stations, but she found the one that came in the strongest and tried to get comfortable on the couch, a pillow between her knees.

She thought it was a talk show at first, then realized it was a religious program. A man and woman with perfect hair spoke to each other. She got up to switch the channel but stood in front of the TV as their conversation turned to the Christmas story and focused on Mary, the mother of Jesus.