She stayed with Louise for ten more minutes, helping her to her feet and back down to the kitchen, where she made her another cup of tea without milk and talked cheerfully about how much better Louise would feel after a nap on the sofa.

And then she climbed back into the car and called the chief as she manoeuvred back onto the main road.

‘We need a search warrant,’ she told him. ‘As quickly as you can.’

14

Louise

There are a few events that I look back on now and see as turning points for us. The crossroads that sent us down this crappy path. There was a darkness to realising how much money you owed, and how easily you had lied to me. It made me more willing to believe that you’d lied about other things, too. But it wasn’t what did for us. There were still signs of hope afterwards.

One of those was your reaction the first time I slipped up and got really drunk again with April. I hadn’t meant for it to happen, but I’d had a mortifying experience at rehearsals with the Mother Pluckers. Helen, whose smiling viciousness I’d already experienced in the past, had asked me why I looked so tired.

‘You aren’t pregnant at last, are you?’ she’d said in a low voice, while we were getting set up.

‘No,’ I told her, blushing. ‘No. I’m pretty sure not. We’ve not had any accidents …’

I saw the way her eyes narrowed. The next bit was said much more loudly. ‘But I thought you said you were trying? Has something changed? Niall got cold feet?’

It was clear that the others had all heard. Their conversations tailed off into silence.

I’ve never felt so mortified. I had no reply, because that was what had happened. I could feel myself going scarlet until kind-hearted Lyn joked that Niall was sensible. That she’d just spent a morning with a vomiting toddler and wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

Things then moved on, but for the whole rehearsal I felt their gazes on me. The one non-mother of the group, who perhaps had only been allowed in because they all thought I’d have kids soon.

I pretty much launched myself at the wine when April and I met up. She soothed me and told me they were all pathetic, but none of it helped. The only thing that made me feel all right was sitting back and letting Drunk Louise take over until late, late into the night.

I remember how you looked at me the following morning, with none of the anger I was expecting. You seemed concerned for me. Caring.

‘Do you think you should go and see someone?’ you asked, having come to sit on the bed next to me.