I don’t know how much Patrick has told you about the case. But he tells me a lot will hinge on my decision to take the knife with me, which implies premeditation. However, he hopes that any jury will understand I had no idea I was going to meet my attacker and was purely thinking defensively.

The other bonus is the trauma I’d already gone through. Legally speaking, that is. I can speak openly and honestly about that when my time comes. Nothing anyone says will change how frightened I felt. Patrick thinks I should allow myself to look vulnerable when the time comes. This is something I am now struggling with, and it’s the strangest feeling. I keep somehow coming across as too strong. Too together. What happened to the old Louise?

April has managed to be our star witness even in her absence. The statement she gave was pretty conclusive. Apparently there’s no case being pursued against her at present to make that statement doubtful, which is lucky for me. The National Crime Agency is looking into her, but Patrick tells me she’s done a remarkably good job of disappearing. I suppose that’s the advantage of planning it for a long time. I just feel strangely grateful that she risked it all to spend one last night out with me. It’s obvious to me, now, that it was a farewell.

It probably seems strange to you that I feel the loss of her so intensely, given how much she hid from me, and how responsible she was for all the shit you got into with Dina. I know that she essentially blackmailed you into running drugs for eight years. I understand that nobody made her do any of it, and that she must have made unbelievable amounts of money off you, Dina, and every other person dragged into her scheme. And I know that you’re still angry as hell with her, for all sorts of reasons.

But I miss her, Niall. It’s clear to me that she’s cared about me for the past five years more than anyone else, even you. I’m sad that I’m going through this without her now. I’m sad, too, that I won’t get to hear her stand up in court to say her piece. I know she’d have done a great job tying the prosecutor in knots. Though I don’t feel scared of it. I don’t feel like I actually need her to fight my corner any more, however much I might enjoy it.