BooksBarbecue
Back Liberation Square Save as PDF
Chapters (46)
  1. Cover
  2. Dedication
  3. Maps
  4. 1
  5. 2
  6. 3
  7. 4
  8. 5
  9. 6
  10. 7
  11. 8
  12. 9
  13. 10
  14. 11
  15. 12
  16. 13
  17. 14
  18. 15
  19. 16
  20. 17
  21. 18
  22. 19
  23. 20
  24. 21
  25. 22
  26. 23
  27. 24
  28. 25
  29. 26
  30. 27
  31. 28
  32. 29
  33. 30
  34. 31
  35. 32
  36. 33
  37. 34
  38. 35
  39. 36
  40. 37
  41. 38
  42. 39
  43. Chronology
  44. Historical Notes
  45. Acknowledgements
  46. THE BEGINNING

I pushed myself up and attempted to walk calmly across the room. And, as I took a pace, then another, reaching the centre of the room, I honestly thought he was going to let me leave.

But halfway across his eyes flicked open and I knew then, looking into them, that if he touched me I wouldn’t see the day through. And, although my mind and body were numb, there is within us a sense of self-preservation stronger than almost anything else in the world that we can know. And so, once more, I ran.

Ignoring the pain in my ankle, knowing that he was a pace or two behind me, without an idea of where to go, I threw myself out of the room. I wouldn’t get to the hallway before he caught me, so by instinct I made for the bathroom, the only room with a door that could be locked.

My feet skidded on its floor, awash with water, just as Lorelei’s had been that day. I tried to slam the door, but he was barging in and the force knocked me back against the bath. And then he grabbed hold of me and my face hit the cold surface of the overflowing water and it felt like glass.

Somewhere, Lorelei was singing. She was offering someone Champagne to the sound of light music. Music to dance to.

I struggled for a time, twisting this way and that, catching glimpses of the air above, but the sounds of the world outside became muted, slow and heavy. I couldn’t understand them any more, I was falling asleep and they seemed to be coming from a place where I had never been and didn’t belong. The strands of my hair drifted out like threads. The water was pulling me deeper, tangling my limbs and cooling my thoughts, until my mind was all washed through and strange. Images flickered past – people I had known, emotions; the poster on the wall above us, its political words picked out in red type. But they were all somehow indistinct and without weight or time. I felt nothing for them as they slipped away.

I fell into a closing darkness, and, deep down, I understood it was all that I would have from now on. Everything was cold and hushed and empty. I would never go back. I would drift through an endless dark ocean, forever with a sense of loss.

Penguin Books

38

I don’t know how long I was in that darkness. It felt like seconds, weeks, years. It didn’t matter. It didn’t matter at all.