And didn’t every cowboy carry? Loaded and unlocked, just in case he had to duel? Wasn’t it part of the uniform? Hat, not the silly kind, curled on both ends, but a baseball cap, banged to the side. Vest: bulletproof. Boots: Tims, of course. Saggy jeans, gun hidden under his shirt. I tried to figure out when my brother turned into a cowboy, but then it hit me: maybe he’d always been one. Was it the day he came home from Michael Reese hospital, wrapped in that thin white blanket, teal stripe across the bottom, little cloth cap on his head? He was nursed by Mama, rocked and fed, but only until he was of age.

Stacia’s words came back to me then: “He at that age, Fe Fe.” And this was the reason for her story about Sweat. She tried to tell me that they’d eventually snatch him from us and introduce him to his new family.

It didn’t matter if Mama nurtured or ignored him; the cowboys watched, waited for him, and then they decided it was time. He didn’t go far. I watched my brother, the new cowboy, in action right outside our window.

The worst part about Cowboy Camp is that the person who no longer belongs to you runs and jumps and shoots right where you can see. I wonder if that would’ve made it easier, if we didn’t have to watch Meechie downstairs, see him in his new skin. Most days, I’d see him lounging in the playground or standing guard at the building’s entrance. While Stacia talked to her brothers and everybody knew that she was a Buchanan, Meechie tried not to interact with me when he was with the other guys, but if I caught him alone, we’d exchange a few words.

Me and Mama handled Meechie’s absence differently; I snooped around, trying to keep him close, whatever was left of him in the house, but Mama wouldn’t come out of her room until she had to go to the bathroom. I didn’t have the word depression back then, but I remember thinking that Mama had dipped into a heavy sadness. His absence slowed her down and made her sleep all the time. I’d take advantage of her weakened state and wander around the building by myself, and sometimes when it was dark, which was against Mama’s rules. In fact, no adult in my life would’ve advised this.

I hadn’t seen Tonya since those guys dragged her out of the square a few days before, and I missed her. I figured she had to be home, that maybe she was on punishment or something. I went back to the ten.