It all came crashing in then, and I let it. A wash of grief and everything I’d pushed away the last two years. More than the grief for my father, and more than my mother’s disappointment. It was everything. Every moment of desolation and loneliness. Of pain. Of everything I’d let hold me back. The feeling of being replaceable and invisible. The utter worthlessness that slithered in my mind every time someone mistook me for Eva or told me I needed to be her.

And of course, this.

I’d never planned on doing all of this without him, and I was furious. At him and at the fucking heart attack that took him from me.

Our parents loved both of us, but Mom was Eva’s, and Dad was mine. It had always felt that way, and neither of us questioned it.

“I’m so angry at you for not being here,” I whispered. “I can’t even fit it all in my body because I’m so angry. And it hurts so much I can’t breathe. That’s why I can’t let myself think about it. Because I turn into this mess, and everyone already thinks I am one.”

I took a shaky breath and swiped at my eyes. “I don’t know how to do any of this without you.”

My phone vibrated on the grass beside me and I ignored it. There was nothing to take the place of this moment, when I was finally here.

The tears wouldn’t stop coming, hot and fast, and I stopped trying to wipe them away, letting them blur my dad’s name in front of me.

Elias Williams

Beloved husband and father.

“Please come back,” I whispered.

There was nothing but silence and the sound of the breeze in the branches, and there never would be. But I needed to say it. “Please come back. I wasn’t ready.”

My phone vibrated again, and I turned it over on the grass so I couldn’t see the screen. Whoever it was could wait.

“I love you,” I finally said, letting the true pain of everything wash over me. “And I’ll try to come back more. I promise.”

I sat with him, my words spent and tears flowing, rocking myself back and forth, listening to the rustling leaves and trying to find the words and voice I desperately wanted to hear.

The sky was darkening when I heard the soft sounds of footsteps on grass. I didn’t move, though I knew who it was. Their scents were on the wind.

Luke sat down next to me, and I tilted my head over to lean on his shoulder. “Hey, sweetheart.”

I didn’t say anything.

“You had us worried. Wes told us when we called.”

“Sorry.” What little was left of my voice was a rasping whisper.

Gentle hands on my shoulders. “You okay, baby?” Kade kissed the top of my head.