Dedication

To The Little Cupcake Bakeshop in New York City, who to this day, has still made the best cupcake I’ve ever eaten.

Blue velvet and mascarpone will forever haunt my dreams.

* * *

AUTHOR’S NOTE

Dear Readers,

Knot Your Damn Omega is not a book that’s meant to be dark. However, there are still things which some reader’s might find objectionable or difficult to read, including primal play, and strong portrayals of grief. If you feel like this could be a problem for you, please protect yourself. No work of fiction is worth your mental health.

The full list of content warnings is available on my website.

Chapter 1

CHAPTER ONE

________

ESME

The man in the suit across from me smelled like burnt popcorn. And not the good kind, when movie theater butter caramelized and gave you that weird but delicious bitter smell. No, this guy smelled like when you left the popcorn bag in the microwave too long, and when you opened it, half the bag was blackened and charred, and you were lucky the whole thing wasn’t on fire.

It was an effort not to wrinkle my nose.

The other three Alphas were similar. Honestly, if I didn’t look too closely at them they could be carbon copies of each other. Dark suits, neat hair, and smiles that looked as expensive as their watches.

All of their scents were off. Not all of them were outright bad, and I knew well enough some lucky Omega out there was going to get a whiff of burnt popcorn and scream fuck yeah take me now.

That Omega just wasn’t me.

Even if their scents were sending me into a state of orgasmic bliss, I wouldn’t choose this pack. Because they weren’t actually interested in me. If they were, maybe I’d get closer to examine their scents in detail and see if I could make it work. But they weren’t.

I tuned back in to what Katarina was saying. She was wearing a perfectly tailored pink suit, hair tied up in a shiny updo, and was holding her clipboard with manicured hands I would never be able to function with. Even my mother was dressed up where she sat on the other end of the couch. I was the one out of place in jeans in a t-shirt, but I wasn’t about to pretend I was something I wasn’t.

And there wasn’t a chance in hell any pack who wanted me would expect to see me in a suit.

“And Thomas,” Katarina gestured to the man on the end whose scent reminded me vaguely of hot copier paper, “is one of the Vice Presidents of Slate City Bank.” She looked at me. “Do you have any questions?”

I stared down popcorn guy. “Katarina sent you my file, correct?”

My mother paid Katarina an absurd amount of money in an attempt to match me with a pack. Because apparently being a single Omega in our family was unacceptable. It wasn’t that I didn’t want a pack—I did want one, more than I would ever admit to anyone who wasn’t Eva—it was that everyone who came to meet me actually wanted my sister and didn’t have the balls to admit it.

“She did, yes.”

I thought his name was Gary. Or maybe Grayden? Probably should have listened closer. Smiling, I made sure I didn’t break eye contact. “What’s my middle name?”

“May.”

Thomas and one of the other guys—there were four in total—closed their eyes and I heard a distinctive fuck under someone’s breath. My mother let out a long sigh, and Katarina’s smile was so frozen on her face I thought it might crack.

“Nope,” I said. “That’s my sister’s middle name. Try again.”

He went pale, realizing what he’d done. And deep down, I knew I shouldn’t do what I was about to do, but the anger coiling in my gut was the only thing holding me back from sadness I didn’t want to face. So fuck it. “You could probably get my birthday right, given it’s the same as hers. And you’ll probably be able to name all of her movies in alphabetical order. But you do realize you’re here for me and not her, right?”

“Of course,” the man sputtered, flicking his eyes toward Katarina and my mother as if they could save him from a drowning of his own making. “I’m sorry, I got mixed up. Of course, I know your middle name. I know everything in the file. We all do.”

“If you know it, then what’s my middle name?”

“Elyse,” Thomas blurted out from his spot, looking sick to his stomach. “It’s Elyse.”

“Very good. Now, what do I do for a living?”

All four of them stared back at me blankly. All four of them, like I’d just zapped them and turned them into clothing store mannequins with the magical, sultry tones of my voice.

“No one? That’s too bad. I thought you knew everything about me.”

“I think we’re done here,” Katarina said, her voice a full octave higher than normal. “Gentlemen, thank you so much for coming. The agency will be in touch.”

“Toodaloo,” I waved as the four men stood and made their way out of the room. Katarina closed the door behind them as my mother’s butler Arnold saw them to the front door. “That didn’t even take half as long as normal.”

My mother sighed again, rubbing her forehead. “Esme.” I’d probably given her another headache she’d have to sleep off.

I stood, pushing off the couch, unable to sit still anymore.

“Don’t walk away. Let’s talk about this.”

“What is there to talk about?” I threw my hands out, gesturing to the big, stuffy living room where I’d had probably thirty meetings with packs from all over the country in the last three years. “They don’t want me, Mom.”

I quickly swallowed back the emotion in those words. There was no way in hell I was going to cry in front of Katarina, and I certainly wasn’t going to cry in front of my mother.

“You could have given them a chance.”

“For what? To illustrate how thoroughly they expect me to be a clone of Eva?”

She floundered, looking for something which could combat the obvious. “Your sister’s details are very well known, and he was nervous. He probably just needed some more time without you treating him like a hostile enemy.”

“Yeah,” I said with a sigh. “I’m sure that’s it.”

That wasn’t it. It wasn’t even fucking close. Because being the twin sister to the biggest Omega movie star on the planet came with certain drawbacks, like everyone expecting you to be exactly alike.

I loved my sister, and she wanted me to be happy, too. But now that she’d found her pack and was happily bonded, every Alpha who missed his ‘chance’ with Eva now thought I would be a good replacement. And for once in my life, I wanted someone to want me for me and not because of who I looked like.

Walking over to my mother, I leaned down and kissed her cheek. Even when she frustrated me, I loved her. “Since I’m here I’ll go for a run on the grounds, but I’ll see you for lunch next week, okay?”

She managed to pull me into an awkward hug. “Of course, sweetie. Call me.”

“I will.” I turned away before she could see the tears starting to mist my eyes. That was the thing about my mom. She genuinely did want me to be happily bonded, but she had no clue how to make it happen. I wasn’t Eva, and I couldn’t ever be. Which probably meant I was going to be alone forever.

My twin sister was pushing in the front door when I’d changed into my running clothes. “Wait, where are you going? I know I’m late, but I wanted to watch some of the action.”

I smiled, but it wasn’t a good one. “No action. They’re already gone. I’m going for a run, but Mom’s probably still in there.”

Eva blinked, and I was out the door, but I didn’t quite leave. It was a shitty thing to do, and I knew it, but I went back inside after she made it all the way into the living room, and stepped close enough to the door to hear.

“I just passed Esme and could barely get her to stop for three words in a row. What happened?”

“What do you think?” Katarina snapped. “What always happens. Your sister is so resistant to finding a pack she looks for reasons to turn them down.”

“That was uncalled for,” my mother said. “And not your place. If you can’t discuss this civilly, you’re free to leave.”

I didn’t hear footsteps, so she must have decided the commission she was getting was worth the frustration I was putting her through.

“The men seemed…” Mom paused, and I could almost picture her face trying to find a way to make it more palatable. Finally, she just sighed. “There’s no point in sugarcoating it. It was the same as always. Esme quickly and brutally exposed that they weren’t really here for her. They were here for you. Or a version of you.”

Eva let out a string of curses so long and so loud I wondered if Katarina had passed out from shock, but I smiled. One of the many reasons I loved my sister as much as I hated living in her shadow.

“I’m glad then. These assholes need to realize I am off the market. It’s not fair to her.”

“She doesn’t exactly make it easy, Eva. It could be these men are nervous, and you’re more well known so they fall back on what they know. Esme at least could be a little nicer to them. No man, let alone an Alpha, wants an Omega who’s going to pick him apart like that.”

“I doubt that’s true.”

“Oh, it is true,” Katarina said. “And I’m running out of options for her to meet. If Esme actually wants a pack, she’s going to have to settle for one who might not know her middle name after reading a file once. She’s getting a reputation. My staff and I are keeping on top of the rumors, but they’re still slipping out. That, on top of the footage of her from your bonding ceremony? Esme is practically unmatchable.”

Her statement shouldn’t have hit me in the chest the way it did. It wasn’t like I didn’t already know, and it wasn’t like I hadn’t had the exact same thoughts not even twenty minutes ago. But to hear it laid out like that by the person who—theoretically—was supposed to be helping me find a pack, still stung.

“Esme is smart, beautiful, and talented,” Eva said, frustration coloring her tone. “And Jack knew almost everything about me the night after we met. Not because he had a fucking file, but because he cared enough to ask. They all did. They didn’t need an incentive to get to know me because when we met, they felt like they already did. It was that natural and that fast. Esme deserves that, too.”

“Of course she does, sweetheart. But you know it’s not that simple.” I peeked through the door just in time to see mom pat Eva’s knee. “You got lucky. Not only did you click with them right away, but there weren’t any… problems to be avoided.”

Meaning the band my sister bonded with, Mindless Delirium, was famous too, and therefore had already been vetted for things which would make our family look bad. I didn’t give two shits about that kind of appearance, but when you came from my world, everyone else did.

“All I can say is if Esme ever wants to find a suitable pack, she needs to really think about what life will be like as an Omega alone instead of a pack who might not be perfect, but will treat her well.” I couldn’t stay longer to hear more of Katarina’s opinion of me.

I was sassy and prickly and definitely not my sunshine twin, who was the sweetheart of the world. Outside the gates to this estate there was no doubt a crowd of paparazzi trying to catch a glimpse of her through the walls and the security. They were far enough away they wouldn’t see me, and I was glad that pack left before the paps got here. Even if I didn’t care about appearance, the last thing I needed was another story about me and how I chased away another batch of eligible men.

Pushing off the stairs, I followed the brick path around the house which led to the main grounds. On the outskirts of the city, this estate was massive, and it was easy to get lost in the woods and fields when I needed to run away from… everything for a while.

When I was running, or painting, or mixing a new color, for a little while I could pretend I wasn’t me, and this wasn’t my life, and every fucking second wasn’t lonely.

Katarina was right. It wasn’t my choice to be Esme Williams, Eva Williams’s less shiny twin. But this is who I was, and it wasn’t going to change. I just needed to accept it and find a way to be okay being lonely, even if it felt like my heart was ripping to shreds.

Blinking the beginnings of tears out of my eyes, I turned my music on shuffle, and ran.

Chapter 2

CHAPTER TWO

________

ESME

“Do you really need me to go to this thing with you?” I asked, flopping down on the ludicrously large beanbag in my sister’s living room. Having a rock band for a pack definitely had its benefits.

“Yes, I do. And you’re going to wear whatever I put you in.”

“Eva.”

“Esme.”

I groaned. “I think I would rather have bamboo shoved under my nails.”

“Listen.” She sat on the coffee table, identical face looking at me seriously. “Going to this thing and looking fucking fabulous is only going to help you. I know you hate the press attention, but if they think you’re happy and thriving they’ll back off. People always want to read more about drama than happiness.”

I threw an arm over my face, intentionally dramatic. “Why do you have to be right when all I want to do is sulk? I know this will help the ‘rumors,’ or whatever the hell Katarina was talking about yesterday.”

Eva smacked my knee. “I knew you were listening.”

“You did not.”

“I did. And yeah, that bitch was way out of line. The next time I see Mom alone I’m telling her to dump her ass.”

I smirked. Eva had stood up and had her hands on her hips like a superhero. To the rest of the world, she was Eva May Williams, the darling sweetheart. Behind the scenes, she was as snarky as I was. If the paparazzi knew how much Eva swore, her whole career would be different.

“Shut up.”

“I said nothing.”

The door closed. “Hello? I brought home pizza. Oh, hey, Esme.”

I waved to Liam, one of Eva’s Alphas. Both their scents immediately got stronger. Eva’s roses and coffee, and Liam’s bourbon. The good kind. He’d barely put down the stack of pizza boxes before she was in his arms. The way she melted before he leaned down to kiss her—smiling the whole time—made my stomach flip with longing.

Pulling out my phone was the only way to distract myself without leaving the room. A year ago at the Designation Choice Awards, Eva ran into Mindless Delirium backstage and instantly started perfuming.

Scent-sympathetic they called it. A very clinical name for when scents were so compatible you just knew. It didn’t always work, but this time it had.

They went home together and basically never separated. A few months later, their bonding ceremony was televised—the event of the decade—and I was there. Looking like I would do anything to be in her place.

It was the footage Kat had mentioned. Whenever the press deigned to give me attention, it was usually those pictures or videos, with either a true, twisted, or entirely fabricated story about how I’d chased off yet another pack.

Eva and Liam were practically making out now, her twisting up and around him like he was a tree and she was a vine. I heard his purr from here. “Get a room, please.”

My sister just flipped me off and kissed him a little more before breaking away with a laugh. “We have to get ready, anyway.”

“Get ready for what?” Jack, another one of Eva’s Alphas, stood in the doorway to their kitchen, shirtless.

“Studio party, remember? I’m dragging Esme with me.”

“Though I’m perfectly willing to just go home.”

“No, you’re not.” She came over and hauled me to my feet, dragging me upstairs into her sprawling bedroom.

Eva lived in a two-story penthouse in one of the most secure buildings in Slate City. I could probably afford to live here if I cared to, but the high-rise life wasn’t for me. My place was plenty secure, but it wasn’t downtown. I lived on the edge of the city where I could get out easily and run in the park and outside the city boundaries if I needed to.

I frequently needed to.

“Okay, what vibe are we feeling tonight?”

“There are no vibes. I have no vibes. I am not a vibe.”

“Sexy as hell it is.” She disappeared into the massive closet.

I groaned. Once my sister got a hold of an idea, especially when it came to me and fashion, there was almost no stopping her.

“Here. I’ve been dying to wear this, but my publicist absolutely forbid it, so I’m going to have to live vicariously through you.”

I looked at the dress she was holding and stared at her. “There’s no way in hell I can pull that off.”

The dress was gold and slinky, ruched at the sides just enough to make sure it would show off every curve I had, and I would be lucky if it fell mid-thigh. Spaghetti straps and a cowl neckline, and the outfit would cover just as much of my skin as it revealed. Fifty-fifty.

I wasn’t ashamed of my body or showing skin, but I wasn’t sure about giving the paparazzi that kind of ammunition if I had a wardrobe malfunction. Which, you know, wasn’t unheard of.

“You can one-hundred-percent pull this off. How do I know? Because it looks fucking fabulous on me, and we’re identical twins. Put it on.”

Sticking out my tongue, I reached for the dress. It wouldn’t hurt to try it on. When Eva saw how uncomfortable I was in the dress she would change her mind. “Are your Alphas going to come waltzing in here? Or should I change in the bathroom?”

She laughed, but bit her lip. “I mean, it’s not their room,” it was, in the sense I knew all of them slept in here most nights, “but yeah, maybe use the bathroom.”

That was fine with me. The last thing I wanted tonight was for one of my sister’s pack to see me naked.

The dress itself was cool to the touch, made out of a metal mesh on the outside and silk on the inside. There was absolutely no way I could wear a bra with this thing. I slipped it on and looked in the mirror, already cursing.

It looked amazing—there was no way to deny it. The golden tone highlighted my skin and brought out the warmer colors in my hair. Even my eyes looked brighter.

“Just so you know,” I called. “I hate you.”

“I know. Get your ass out here.”

Padding back into the room, her jaw dropped. “Holy shit, Esme.”

“Have I mentioned I really hate it when you’re right? I’m going to need to borrow make-up, though.”

She gestured to her cluttered vanity. “Have at it.”

Most of the time Eva’s team did her make-up and hair, but for smaller events like this she gave them time off. I was glad tonight, since it meant the reveal of the dress was limited to only her. You know, before all of Slate City’s paparazzi saw me.

Fine. If I was going to do this? Then I was going to do this. I leaned into the look of the dress, making my eyes dark and smoky with a hint of metallic gold at the inner corners. Just enough gloss on my lips to make people wonder what I’d been doing, and I ran some hairspray through with my fingers, attempting to corral the flyaways in my waves.

“What do you think of this?”

Her dress was white, falling to her knees. It had a similar neckline to mine, so we wouldn’t look completely out of sync, but it was a much more toned-down, wholesome version of what I was wearing. “It’s pretty.”

She sighed. “I would kill to wear what you’re wearing right now. I’ve been begging Jasmine and Brian to let me go a little edgier, but the whole team thinks it’s a bad idea.”

“Why?”

“Because I still have three more Summer Saga movies coming up, and they don’t want to piss off the studio. Which is one of the reasons we’re going to this party.”

Grabbing an overflowing jewelry box, I picked through the jewelry until I found some dangly gold earrings which matched.

“Hold on, I have something else perfect for that.” She disappeared into the closet again and reappeared with her shoes, gold heels for me, and a gold wire armband that twisted into swirls and rested on my bicep. “God, you’re such a badass.”

“Remind me why I’m going to this party again?”

This was at the core of my problems with the packs who had come to court me. I wasn’t Eva. I didn’t love parties, preferring silence or my own music to rooms filled with pounding bass and people. I wasn’t afraid of people, but most of the time they exhausted me. On the whole, I was built for a different life than this one.

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