It happens quickly. One second, there’s a flurry of snow between us, then there’s nothing. Jack’s thumb on my jaw, Jack’s hand on my waist, Jack’s cold mouth on mine. She tastes like macarons and home. Like warm bread, like a home-cooked meal. Snowball fights and Christmas carols and making cookies. Kissing Jack makes me feel like home is the place we’ll build together, and I kiss her back frantically.

I open myself up entirely for Jack, with tongue and teeth, with fingers scraping the short hairs on her neck, my body arched. I want Jack, now and always, and there’s no point in hiding it. The way Jack kisses me back is everything I’ve ever wanted with the only person I’ve ever wanted it with.

This isn’t a last kiss or a goodbye kiss. This is a first kiss. Our first kiss as the best versions of ourselves. When we pull apart, our glasses are fogged up, and we’re both covered in snow. “I want to help you shine, too, Elle,” she says, gruffly and loudly. Like Jack.

“Is that a yes, then?” I pant. I’m out of breath but too in love to be embarrassed. “You’ll let me love you back?”

Jack’s hands are still on my waist. I believe she’ll never let go. “We have no idea how to be in a relationship together.”

“I don’t know how to be in a relationship with anyone,” I clarify. “We can figure it out together.”

I wrap my arms around her. I know there’s no guarantee this will last. We could fall apart in a year or five years. We could fall apart tomorrow. I could give Jack everything and lose her again anyway. I take Jack’s face in my hands and kiss her one more time, on the little white scar across her upper lip.

If it’s twelve hours, or twelve years, or the rest of our beautiful lives, I’m going to savor every damn second of it. Starting with this second outside in the snow, in the glow of Gillian’s headlights.

I pull Jack into my arms on the Burnside Bridge, swaying back and forth, slow dancing with her in a snow globe somehow big enough for all of us.

Acknowledgements

Thursday, April 28, 2022

For some reason, I decided to write a book about failure at a time in my life when I was paralyzed by a fear of failing.