“Thank you, Conchi,” I said, taking a glass.

Then she scurried off to serve the other guests.

“How was the funeral service?” I asked Heidi.

Heidi shrugged. “The minister kept calling her SueAnn by mistake. Brad and Amber were practically necking in the back pew. And the only person who cried was Ginny.”

“Didn’t anybody from SueEllen’s family show up?”

“No. Nobody.”

That was odd. I wondered what happened to that rich old aunt of hers. Aunt Melanie. Probably dead and buried long ago. But what about her parents? Where were they? Had SueEllen alienated everyone in her old family, just as she’d done in her new one?

“Heidi, honey, don’t you look nice!”

One of SueEllen’s social string beans was at our side.

“Come say hello to my nephew. I’ve been wanting to introduce you two for ages.”

She dragged Heidi over to a chubby kid in horn rimmed glasses. I felt like telling her that this was a memorial service, not a prom.

My glass of chardonnay in hand, I wandered around, watching the guests laugh and chat gaily, as if SueEllen hadn’t just been lowered into the ground a few hours ago. When I go, I hope somebody remembers me at my own funeral.

I wandered around some more, past lively groups of people scarfing down cold cuts. And then, without quite realizing what I was doing, I found myself drifting up the stairs and heading towards SueEllen’s bathroom. I don’t know why I did it; I guess I hoped I’d find something there, something the cops overlooked, some clue that would lead me to her killer.

Just as I reached the bathroom, I felt a frisson of fear. Suddenly, returning to the scene of the crime didn’t seem like such a hot idea. I told myself to stop being ridiculous. Nothing was going to happen. I was as bad as Conchi. I took a deep breath, and forced myself to open the door.

The room was dark, lit only by a few votive candles.

And that’s when I saw SueEllen, lying naked in the empty tub. Oh, God. Either she was back from the dead, or somebody had put hallucinogens in the pastrami!

“Hey, babe,” she said. “What took you so long?”

Wait a minute. That wasn’t SueEllen’s voice. It was someone a lot younger. If I wasn’t mistaken, it was the voice of Beverly High’s head cheerleader. I peered through the darkness, and sure enough, I saw that it was Amber stretched out in the tub like a Playboy centerfold, her eyes shut in ecstasy.

“Come here, babe,” she cooed. “I can’t wait to get my hands on you.”

“Really?” I said, flipping on the light. “I didn’t think I was your type.”

Her eyes shot open.

“Jesus! What the hell are you doing here?”

“I came to take a tinkle,” I lied. “How about you? Playing Let’s Boink in Dead Stepmommie’s Bathtub?

Then I turned and made a dignified exit, just missing the loofa sponge Amber threw at me.