An attractive blond maid greeted me at the door. Where was Conchi? Probably stuck in the kitchen, slaving over a recipe stolen from Julia Child. The blonde welcomed me to Casa Kingsley and ushered me into the cavernous living room. Even with thirty or so guests and a bunch of actor/waitpersons milling around, the room still looked huge.

“Jaine, sweetie!”

SueEllen came sashaying over in skintight black leather slacks and matching bustier. The Marquis de Sade meets Auntie Mame. Thankfully, she made no mention of my being needed in the kitchen. It looked like I wasn’t assigned to KP duty, after all.

“How nice you could come!” she cooed. “And what a super outfit. It hides your monster thighs.”

Okay, so she didn’t make the thigh crack, but that’s what she was thinking.

“Come say hello to the birthday girl,” she said, grabbing my elbow and steering me over to where Heidi stood in her unflattering blue dress, eating a stuffed mushroom. I glanced around the room, looking for kids Heidi’s age, but I didn’t see any. Clearly, my job was to be Heidi’s friend for the night. A job I was more than happy to accept.

“I wouldn’t eat any more of those if I were you,” SueEllen said, eyeing the hors d’oeuvre in Heidi’s hand. “You’re practically splitting your seams as it is.”

And with that, she took off to chat up some people far more important than us. Heidi made a face behind her back, and popped the rest of the mushroom in her mouth.

“These are great,” she said. “They’re stuffed with crab. Want one?”

“Sure.”

Heidi flagged down Conchi who was circulating a platter of mushrooms, the only Hispanic among the perky caterer’s assistants.

“Hey, Conchi,” I said. “How’s it going?”

“Muy bueno, Miss Jaine,” she said shyly, handing me a linen cocktail napkin. How impressive. My guests are lucky to get paper napkins left over from my last McDonald’s order. Heidi and I each plucked a mushroom from the platter, and Conchi headed off to make the rounds of the room.

“These are fabulous,” I said, the crab literally melting in my mouth.

“SueEllen claims it’s an old family recipe, but she got it from Emeril Lagasse’s cookbook. Oh, rats. She’s giving me the evil eye.”

SueEllen had momentarily diverted attention from her A-List guests and was glaring at Heidi. Heidi popped the mushroom in her mouth defiantly.

“I got you something for your birthday,” I said, reaching into my purse for the present I’d picked up for her earlier that day.

“Gee, thanks, Jaine.”

She ripped open the package eagerly.

“A book! By P.G. Wodehouse. How did you know I love P.G. Wodehouse?”

“I saw you reading one of his books the day we met.”

“Oh, Jaine. Thank you so much!”

Then I reached out and hugged her. I had a feeling she didn’t get many hugs at Casa Kingsley.

“Happy birthday, kiddo.”

“It is, now that you’re here,” she said, melting my heart.