From then on, I felt as though this notebook allowed Chen Erhu to be always by my side. I also felt that there was a particular reason why he had given me the notebook with this specific inscription: he wanted to remind me to keep a ‘certain matter’ secret. In other words, this notebook served as Chen Erhu’s talisman to ensure my silence, no matter how far I might actually be from him. Compared to the frankness of his last words, the inscription on the notebook was much more tactful. At any rate, through frankness or tact, I knew how much ‘that matter’ meant to him. It was something that had brought Chen Erhu enormous glory as well as lifelong regrets. He was constantly fearful that I would be unable, intentionally or otherwise, to keep it buried, to keep it secret. That was why he took every opportunity to remind me – I understood this. But I couldn’t help feeling that his last letter was a miscalculation on his part. First, his previous admonishments were sufficient, he didn’t need to emphasize the importance of the situation any further. His method of reinforcing his message, by putting it in his last letter, was wholly inappropriate; he was guilty of protesting too much, of drawing too much attention to it. To be honest, we were the only two who knew about it, no one else did, and no one even asked – that was best. Now, though, how many more Chen Sibings will come asking? Chen Erhu’s dying words have peeled away the layers that had surrounded this buried truth, they have shorn it of protection, left it naked and out in the open. I have no idea how many people have seen Old Chen’s letter, but I know that each and every one of them, no matter how many, will now try to dig up this secret, something I had kept hidden for so long. They will all try to test my allegiance to Chen Erhu. At present, I am most worried about Chen Sisi: I know that her entreaties will be coming next, and I know she will make unreasonable requests. I’m waiting for her letter or phone call. It’s like waiting for my doom.

2 April

Dormitory. Night. Clear.