‘You’re the “other mother”?’ he asked, definitely thinking air quotes, even if he didn’t use them. It was hard to do bunny ears when you were manhandling an epic bottle of lube. ‘Didn’t see that in the notes.’

‘I’m sorry, I don’t think I caught your name,’ I said, smiling sweetly and not bothering to correct him. ‘Are you the nurse?’

Over in her stirrups, Lucy’s eyes widened.

‘I’m the senior obstetrician at this hospital and I can assure you I am more than qualified to perform a scan.’ He enunciated the word to make sure we were entirely clear that this appointment was beneath him. ‘I understand this is your first pregnancy and you’re probably confused as to what’s going on, but I have a full schedule today thanks to the absent Dr Abara and really don’t have time for this debate. Can we please get on with this, ladies?’

The first time I met Lucy was on the second day of university when she staggered into me and my three Smirnoff Ices after literally headbutting a disgusting boy called Vernon who was trying to take a photo up her skirt in the student union. Lucy was an iron fist in a velvet glove, wasted in peace time really, she would have absolutely shone during the war. And yet, here she was with one single, perfect tear trickling down her beautiful rosy, red cheek all because of this absolute twat in his dogshit-brown suit.

I wasn’t having it.

‘I’m sure you’re very qualified, but we’d be much more comfortable seeing our usual doctor,’ I replied. ‘Wouldn’t we, Luce?’

She nodded fiercely. ‘Yes,’ she said. ‘I think so.’

Mr Appleton put down the lube with a look I imagined had passed over the faces of many men who had been made to put down lube when they really wanted to use it. He inhaled sharply through his nose, a sour look on his face.

‘I would be more comfortable seeing my doctor,’ Lucy reiterated, as I helped her out of the stirrups. Being really pregnant looked properly shit at times like this. Just when you wanted to make a speedy and dignified exit, you were forced to roll around on an elevated bed like an oversized Weeble.

‘Also, you’re very rude,’ I added. ‘Just so you know.’

Without another word, he snapped off the surgical gloves and tossed them in the bin, marching straight out the door and leaving it swinging behind him.

‘That was great but what if they don’t let me come back again?’ Lucy asked as she struggled back into her pants. ‘This little bugger could make an appearance any day, I don’t want to get blacklisted. This is the best maternity hospital in London, you know.’

‘So help me god, don’t you dare mention Meghan Markle,’ I warned.