‘I’ll start again,’ Mr Mapplethorpe said as I wiped away a confusing tear and tried to feel happy again. ‘Do you, Alan, take Gwen to, um, still be your wife?’

‘I do,’ Dad confirmed, beaming at his wife.

‘And do you, Gwen, take Alan to still be your husband?’

Another sob caught in the back of my throat as my parents beamed at one another. Before my mum could open her mouth to answer, three different mobile phones chirped into life, competing for attention with their different ringtones.

‘Oh my god,’ Jo groaned, rolling her eyes so hard I assumed she could see the inside of her skull.

‘Sorry,’ I called out, fiddling with my tiny handbag and searching for the offending phone as Sumi and Adrian did the same. ‘I thought I’d turned it off.’

‘It’s Lucy!’ Sumi squealed, waving her screen in my face. ‘She’s had the baby!’

‘It’s a girl!’ Adrian added. ‘Or at least it says it is. Looks like a hairless cat.’

A picture of a very sweaty but very happy-looking Lucy shone out from Sumi’s phone, a tiny scrunched-up version of a human wrapped in a white swaddling cloth tucked into her arms.

‘Should I start this again or shall we not bother?’ Peter Mapplethorpe asked, rather upset at being interrupted for the second time. We all put away our phones and turned to the front of the room, guilty smiles on our happy faces.

‘Yes, please do,’ Mum said, taking Dad’s hand in hers. ‘We’re not going anywhere.’

‘No rush,’ Dad agreed with a nod, beaming at his wife. ‘It’s only been forty years. I’ve got my fingers crossed for another forty.’

After the vows were said, music struck up as everyone began to cheer and I turned in my seat to look at my friends, and to avoid the intensely passionate kiss my parents were sharing in full view of everyone.

‘I can’t believe you pulled it off,’ Sumi said, resting her chin on my shoulder as my uncle Kevin led Nan off into a corner to pass judgement on everyone quietly and by herself. ‘Well bloody done, you.’

‘Well bloody done us,’ I corrected, leaning my head against hers. ‘There’s no way I would have managed all this by myself.’

‘Have you spoken to John?’

‘Yes, Sumi,’ I replied.

‘And what did you say?’

‘Shut up, Sumi.’

‘Someone should say something,’ said Adrian, craning his neck to get a better look around the room as people rose out of their seats and then sat back down. ‘No one seems to know exactly what they should be doing.’

‘I’ll do it,’ Jo said, standing immediately. ‘I’ll make a speech.’