‘I didn’t know I did. She didn’t leave anything behind when she went. Was her suitcase inside one of mine?’

I nodded, then confirmed it with a quiet, ‘That one,’ as I pointed to his medium-sized suitcase.

‘She must have stored it there, so it was a kind of stowaway when I moved here from London – I didn’t know she’d done that. Would you like it?’

‘Wouldn’t that be weird?’

‘Why would it be? It should be used.’

‘Why does the tag say “Jacinda Molinero”? Molinero’s Miller. Right?’

‘It was my nickname for her. Did you look up the Spanish on your phone?’

I nodded. I’d never told him about my ability to speak Spanish, probably because I never wanted him to know about my failed aspiration to be a spy, and my language skills were bound up with that.

‘Jane loved Spanish.’ He looked so fond, even proud, as he talked about her. ‘She seemed to be able to learn any language she wanted, as soon as she stepped into a new country. It’s a rare gift, but some people have it. She loved to travel.’ He had never spoken about her before. So normally. Using her name.

Maxine could fuck off. He wasn’t behaving like a man with anything to hide. Tears were running down my cheeks.

‘What is it? Holly? – You cry so easily these days.’

I shook my head. ‘I don’t deserve you.’

‘Yes you do.’

‘I don’t. You should be with someone who’s accomplished – some clever doctor or barrister.’

‘They’re boring. And that would be predictable.’

‘A supermodel.’

This made him laugh. ‘Even more boring. And I’m already with the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.’

‘I’m not.’

‘You are to me.’

I pulled him closer, trying to shut out Maxine’s voice, which whispered out of my own bones that if I was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen it was only because I bore a likeness to Jane. He looked so pleased when I moved my hands down his back, when I kissed him, when I whispered that I wanted him so much and I couldn’t wait until he returned.

‘But will you always feel that way?’ He moved a hand up my thigh, under my dress, beneath my underwear. ‘Are you sure you’ll never change your mind?’

‘Yes.’ I was unfastening his belt. ‘I’m sure.’

Now
The Woman in the Room

Two years and four months later

Bath, Tuesday, 2 April 2019

At first, I try not to look at the woman who has drawn so many police officers and forensic scientists to this house. I try to look at everything but her. I focus on the room.