Three different women ended up without a child, yet he is the one who gets to walk away with a little girl in his arms. The intelligence agencies of two countries, bolstered by the life-destroying might of the IRS, couldn’t find Jane, couldn’t catch her. It was love that did that. Love that made her vulnerable. Love that killed her. That love was more powerful than any of those relentless institutions.

I can hear Maxine’s voice, echoing over the glass table and across time. Asking how far I would push it. Asking where the line comes. Asking if I would sleep with someone for the role, to save my country, to save my own life, to save the lives of hundreds of others. I said then what I thought she wanted to hear.

But what I know now – and know deep in my bones – is this. Whatever anyone says to that interview question will be a lie. You have to be in the situation before you can know the true answer. And when it comes to my child, and Jane’s child, the true answer is that I will push it as far as I humanly can. The true answer is that there is no line. The true answer is yes. Because I cannot abandon this child. I could never walk away. I will climb back into Zac’s bed, deliberately and with full intent, in order to claim her and keep her. I will move on with Alice, move on with my life, but keep her sister with me always, inside us both, so she moves on with us. I will not leave her behind.

Zac’s hand is in my hair, on my face. He murmurs my name as he presses against me, whispering, ‘Is that a yes?’ and I say, ‘Yes.’ He kisses me, a lover’s kiss, and I kiss him back, with Alice warm in my lap. His eyes are half-closed, and I see a crescent of blue in the left and one of brown in the right, because mine are wide open.

Acknowledgements