‘There’s been no bleeding since the end of the first trimester. We haven’t made love since April.’ He tried to joke. ‘But who’s keeping track? The midwife told you that intercourse is perfectly safe.’

I saw the midwife a week ago, the day before my visit to Milly, and Zac wasn’t fully quoting what she said. Safe if you feel like it were her exact words.

‘I need to know everything is okay between us. You need to show me that. Come back to our bedroom. You can’t sleep in the guest room forever. It’s been two weeks of not having you with me at night and I hate it. The baby needs to see her parents properly together. We love each other, Holly. We need to fix things before she’s here.’ He’d got me into a sitting position. I was seeing stars. ‘Do you remember the first time we made love? In this room?’

I wanted to shove him the fuck off me. But if I did that there would be an argument, and it would never end. It would go on all night and into the morning, and he might disrupt his routine tomorrow to continue it. Milly checked and double-checked the doctors’ rota for me, choking back tears while she did it, guessing why I was asking but knowing better than to say. It was absolutely certain that he needed to be at work for handover tomorrow morning. Could I take the risk of wrecking that?

I had only today to get through. I could go to the antenatal clinic in Bath to check on her tomorrow, as soon as I got there. Just one more day, and one more time, to keep us both safe.

He was sliding the dress from my shoulders and down my arms. He was unhooking my bra. Did one last time matter? Would it kill me, once more, to do the very thing Maxine wanted me for? My real value, as far as she was concerned. The thought made me want to cry. Already he was pulling off my underwear. He was planting kisses over my neck, my breasts, growing more intense with each one, his breath coming faster.

He was pulling the cushions from the sofa onto the floor, and me along with them, manoeuvring me onto my side because of my bump, and I told myself that this really would be the last time, though my body tried to move despite my willing it not to, and then I was panicking and he was holding me and the dress was a tangle and my balance was off and I couldn’t get loose or get up or stop him.

Cornwall, 14 May 2017

‘Say goodbye to me properly.’ Zac was trying to kiss me and I was straining my head away because I was scared that if he put his mouth on mine I was going to be sick.