‘Good try, Doc, but I’m still not going to help you get that severance pay,’ I said, slamming the door on my way out.

My face was flushed and my temples were pulsing. Men were ruining my life on a daily basis. Clearly I had a huge bullseye on my back. Tomorrow we were due to disembark at Lifou Island. I couldn’t wait to get out of this murky aquarium and flop onto the shore, alone with my dear sisters.

Men: can’t live with them, can’t . . . No, just can’t live with them, I concluded, adding the misanthropic medic to my long list of blokes I never, ever wanted to see ever again.

14

‘Oh, god, it’s you,’ were the doctor’s not-so-warm words of greeting the following evening.

‘Believe me, I’m not exactly shitting confetti with joy at being here either.’

‘What is it this time?’

‘Look, is there another doctor in the medical centre I could see? Preferably a woman?’

‘Nope. Sadly, as I’ve taken the Hippocratic oath, not wanting you to die is kind of in the job description, so I guess I’ll just have to save you. Take a seat.’

‘That’s just it. I can’t . . . Sit down, I mean.’

‘Don’t tell me you re-triggered your fragrance sensitivity?’

‘No. Good god, no. It’s another problem entirely. My bum, actually.’

The doctor arched a curious, slightly suggestive brow. ‘Let me guess. A hens’ night that got out of hand?’

‘No, nothing like that.’ I felt my face turn hot enough to fry an egg. ‘Like most sane women, I don’t like to be beaten . . . not even at Scrabble. Thing is, I spent the day snorkelling with my sisters. The only downside to the tropics is that the turquoise water is so warm, and we stayed in for hours. My rashie protected my arms and I reapplied sunblock to the backs of my thighs, but I didn’t notice my cossie riding up as I swam. I now have a hotter arse than Beyoncé.’

Doctor Quinn snorted. ‘Excuse me while I laugh my own arse off.’

‘It’s not funny.’

‘Really? Isn’t laughter the best medicine? I seem to recall a rather annoying patient telling me that only yesterday.’

‘Well, laughter is not going to help me sit down for dinner.’

‘Still, surely laughter is the shortest distance between two people?’ the doctor said with mock sincerity.

‘The idea of anyone wanting to get close to you is laughable,’ I responded, folding my arms.

‘Well, I’d better take a look.’